Inside: How we talk and think about grief can affect our ability to move through it in a healthy way. Here are a few truths to counteract one unhelpful statement you may have heard. ~

Since my parents died in 2019, I’ve read a lot about grief and grieving relating to the death of a loved one. More in the early days of my family’s loss, when my sorrow was fresh and exhausting, but also in recent days.

A phrase I don’t recall reading initially that I’ve noticed lately is this:

“You will never stop grieving.”

I’ve seen it in books and on Instagram, by authors and “grief influencers” (for lack of a better term). While correctly and kindly acknowledging how hard and sad the loss of a loved one is, they also assert that grief changes over time but will never go away.

Perhaps this is where they are themselves—unable to imagine not feeling the heaviness of grief, and maybe not even wanting to let it go. Sometimes, grief is almost like a warm cloak; as long as we’re feeling bad, we think, we’re keeping the memories of our loved one alive.

I Understand This

And yet, I also believe the terminology we assign to unavoidable life events and processes can affect our ability to move through them in a healthy way.

Some cases of heartbreak are so profound that a person’s grief never goes away. The loss of child, or a dearly loved spouse after many decades of marriage, could result in such never-ending sorrow.

I don’t think, however, that grieving people should be told to expect this. Neither does author Randy Alcorn, who often writes about losing his wife, Nanci, in 2022.

“God knows we need a season of grief. But a season is not a lifetime,” he said in a blog post titled Healthy Grief is Centered on God’s Promises. “He intends that we would also smile and laugh and dance again. There is no set timetable, but God wants us to find relief in Him.”

Joy and Sorrow Co-exist

Abundant life exists after grief, in other words. If you are deep in the mire of grief today, you will not always feel how you are feeling. Over time, you may begin to see that joy and sorrow co-exist—that you can experience both happiness and sadness at the same time—and that this is OK.

Or perhaps what you used to call grief may morph into missing.

Sad thoughts and memories come and go. You will always miss that person you loved so much, at some times more than others.

But missing isn’t grieving. Missing is remembering. Missing is reality. Missing is a fact of life.

When the Grief Softens

I attended a GriefShare group the fall after my parents died. I don’t remember most of the material presented each week, but something the facilitator said made a deep impression on my shellshocked heart. “As the grief softens,” she said, “the memories grow warmer.”

As I trudged my way through sadness tinged with regret, unanswerable questions and loneliness, I discovered she was right. The grief did soften, and the memories did become warmer.

This doesn’t happen with every loss, of course. When memories trigger sadness instead of warm thoughts, it helps to intentionally notice how God has carried us through those hard times. And to remember that with every day that passes, we are one day closer to being reunited with our loved ones in heaven.

Ongoing Effort Required

Whether memories become warmer or not, instant gratification is nowhere to be found on this journey. It takes effort to move through active grief—effort that is ongoing, but also worth noticing and perhaps even celebrating.

Here’s how my friend Linda puts it in a Substack post called A Sunrise, the Grief Group & and a Whole Bunch of Helpful Resources:

“My hat’s off,” she writes, “to all of us who do the hard work of rolling up our sleeves and walking up and down sorrow’s hills and valleys. … Who have no interest in believing that there’s a 1-2-3 checklist or some kind of magic wand that’ll wave away their grief. Who stubbornly refuse to be defined by what we’ve lost.”

She continues: “Yes, it is possible and very much preferable to purposefully shed the worn and tattered garment of sadness and re-define ourselves by His joy. His peace. And all the good things the Holy Spirit originally gifted us with at our spiritual birth through Jesus Christ.”

A Gentle Suggestion

Dear reader, if you are regularly reading or listening to people who make statements like, “You’ll never stop grieving,” I have one gentle suggestion: You might want to find encouragement elsewhere.

Talk to actual people in your life who have experienced grief but haven’t let it define them. Read books by Randy Alcorn, Jerry Sitser and others who have had many years to reflect on grief through the lens of God’s faithfulness.

Most of all, bring your sorrows to the Man of sorrows who is divinely acquainted with every aspect of your grief (Isaiah 53:3). He provides comfort and rest in our sadness, but, as Linda says, He also is “always and forever ready, willing, and able to use our healing experience to equip us to come alongside other hurting souls.”

• • •

Whenever I write about grief, I do so with the awareness that my experience is limited to a few very specific kinds of loss. I’d love to know how this process has played out in your life … please share in the comments if you are so inclined.

Also, if you have lost your mom or dad (or both), I have a collection of articles called Help for Parent Loss that you may find comforting or encouraging. Check it out here and consider sharing it with a friend who may also find it helpful.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.