God Goes Before Us

On Thanksgiving Day, I sat on the loveseat in my sun-soaked living room and read the final pages of Ann Voskamp’s book, The Broken Way.

As I wrote here, God used Ann’s words to change my heart about my relationship with my mom, wiping away 46 years of expectations and releasing me to focus on how I could love her better.

Right then and there, I decided that I was going to be more intentional about spending time with my parents. A few weeks later, I asked my mom if she would be willing to teach me how to make biscotti, a specialty of hers when I was growing up.

By that time, my dad was doing all the cooking for the two of them. But although Alzheimer’s had already stolen away many of my mom’s short-term memories, she hadn’t forgotten how to make our favorite Italian cookie. And she taught me how to do it—step by careful step.

We made biscotti on three separate occasions. The third time, I finally got it right.

I’d visit my parents during the week while Lilly and Molly were at school. On their days off, I’d bring them with me, and we’d involve my mom in making treats like chocolate-chip cookies and chocolate peanut-butter balls for my dad.

My sister and I brought Easter dinner to my parents’ house that spring, and also a birthday dinner in May to help celebrate both of their birthdays.

I shared last week that I have deep regrets about not doing more and loving my mom better before. But after the accident last June that eventually led her into long-term care, it was comforting to remember the times that we had spent with her at home in the days and weeks before that sad chain of events transpired.

We just never know when we’re going to do something for the last time. The fact that God gave me the wake-up call when He did is tangible evidence of the truth in my favorite Bible verse, Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

God goes before us. He does. We may not know why things happen the way they do, or what God is up to in allowing all the hard things, but we can rest in this truth.

God is always, always, going ahead of us, preparing the way for what is going to happen next. It’s who He is; it’s how He operates.

Sometimes, in His mercy and grace, He gives us glimpses of His activity—sometimes while it’s happening, sometimes after the fact. And sometimes, what you think is an inconvenience or annoyance turns into a gift of grace in retrospect.

In late May, for example, our clothes dryer stopped working. While we were waiting for a part that Randy ordered to come in, I dried our laundry at my parents’ house. I’d take a load of washed clothes over during the day, and then come back in the evening after they were dry to collect them.

A broken appliance is always a hassle, and all the driving back and forth was kind of a pain. But it gave Lilly and me the opportunity to spend a couple of extra evenings at their house the week before my mom’s accident, sitting on the floor in the living room, folding clothes and visiting with my parents.

Then, the day before the accident, the girls and I went over there again so Lilly do some yard work for my dad. I was changing the sheets in my parents’ bedroom when I heard the sounds of talking coming from the living room. I peeked in and saw Molly sitting on the couch with my mom.

My little girl was reading aloud to her grandma from one of the library books she had brought with her that day.

I snuck in to snap a quick picture, then retreated to another part of the house. I’d like to say I sensed something sacred was going on, but that would be a stretch. I simply wanted to capture the sweet sight of the two of them together.

They sat there for almost an hour, with Molly reading and my mom listening. Molly had never done that before, and the fact that she happened to do it on the last day she saw my mom at home before the accident?

Let’s just say that in the coming weeks, when my heart was heavy and my mom’s future uncertain, this memory brought more comfort and peace than almost anything else.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, Coffee for Your Heart, Chasing Community, Faith on Fire, Fresh Market Friday, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.