Author

Lois Flowers

When You Can’t Escape the Hard Memories, Keep Driving

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: It may seem counterintuitive, but regularly passing by or through the difficult places can help us process grief or loss. ~

After my parents died, I could not escape their memories. Every single place I drove in my hometown—past their nursing home, past the hospital, past the intersection my dad barreled through on his daily trips to visit my mom—catapulted me back into a heavy, sad season.

It was exhausting and gut-wrenching.

I could have rearranged my routine to avoid passing by all these reminders, but that would have been highly inconvenient. Instead, I took deep breaths and kept driving.

Day after day, memory after memory, breath after breath.

Five Years Later …

I still notice these places.

I still remember, but it usually doesn’t stop my breath.

For me, sticking to my normal routes after my parents died was like starting physical therapy immediately after knee surgery. It hurts—quite a lot, I’m told. But if you don’t do it, you won’t heal properly.

Avoiding the short-term pain can cause worse problems in the future.

To Avoid or Not

When we’re grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s often helpful to stay out of certain situations that could make us feel even worse. But while it may seem counterintuitive, regularly passing by or through other hard places can aid in our healing.

Each time we do it—sometimes alone, sometimes with our hand planted in another’s firm grasp—we show ourselves we can do it. It helps us build up emotional strength as God knits the broken pieces of our hearts back together.

John 16:33 promises us we will have trouble in this world, and that includes grief, loss and death. There’s no getting around it, as much as we might long for a pain-free life.

The Good News

But that’s not where the promise ends. Take heart, the verse continues. Not because we’ll be able to avoid some or all of the hard stuff, but because Jesus has overcome the world. As a result, we can experience true peace, no matter what hardships we may face.

I don’t know about you, but I’d say that’s better than any avoidance technique we could ever hope to implement.

• • •

Can you think of a time when facing something head on helped you heal? Or a situation when keeping your distance for a while was the wise option? Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

Avoiding short-term pain can cause worse problems in the future. Share on X Jesus has overcome the world. As a result, we can experience true peace, no matter what hardships we're called to endure. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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How to Find Peace When You Feel Inadequate

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: When we’re navigating new, unfamiliar terrain in life, we may think controlling all the details and planning all the steps will make up for our inexperience. Here’s a better approach. ~

This year, for the first time since the mid 2000s, nobody at my house is going back to school in August.

One daughter is working remotely and living at home for now. The other will be studying abroad in Ireland but doesn’t leave until the third week in September.

It’s a new season of life for all of us. Some are feeling the transitions more acutely than others. The future is full of questions and opportunities to feel nervous and inadequate.

Another Uncertain Season

I think back to my daughters’ early teenage years, a phase of life that was also full of uncertainties. I remember fretting about all the unknowns one morning when a verse from the book of Psalms reached out and grabbed my heart.

“The Lord guards the inexperienced; I was helpless, and He saved me.” (Psalm 116:6)

I breathed a sigh of relief as I read these words. I was so very glad God was guarding my children as they tried to learn difficult concepts and absorb new material at school.

And Yet …

As I considered the timeliness of finding that specific verse on that very day, another thought flitted through my still-anxious brain.

My children are not the only inexperienced ones here.

I knew parents all over the world have been rearing teenagers successfully for thousands of years, but I had never done it before. My head swam with the practical, emotional and spiritual ramifications of preparing children for young adulthood.

What if I miss something? What if I do it all wrong? What if I emphasize this when I should be focusing on that?

Then the comfort of scripture caught me again, mid-fret.

“The Lord guards the inexperienced; I was helpless, and He saved me.”

Can You Relate in Some Way?

Maybe the new terrain in your life is helping older parents, raising toddlers, interacting with grandchildren, managing an unexpected diagnosis, starting a new job, wading through fresh grief or figuring out life as an empty nester. Perhaps more than one scenario on this list applies to you, plus others I didn’t even mention.

We could pretend our worries and struggles don’t exist or try to plow our way through them on our own, but Psalm 116:6 suggests a different approach.

Our gracious, righteous and compassionate God guards us whether we ask Him to or not. But something happens in our minds and hearts when we scoop up all our fears and concerns and start handing them over to Him, one sorry bit at a time.

Here, Lord. Your Word says I’m supposed to cast all my cares on you, because you care for me. So please take this, and this, and this. Oh yeah, and this too.

How the Peace Comes

As we acknowledge our helplessness before Him—as we lay down every single “what-if” and “how-am-I-going-to-do-that” at His feet—the peace that transcends understanding starts to invade our souls.

I don’t know how this happens. I just know it does.

God may not answer all our questions or show us how everything is going to work out. In fact, He probably won’t—not right now, maybe not ever.

But He Does Save Us—from Ourselves

He rescues us from our need to know the next 15 steps. From our desire to control the outcome. From our belief that we are the key figures in making this all work.

We might be inexperienced and helpless, but we are not—nor will we ever be—on our own.

As Psalm 27:1 reminds us, “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom should I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom should I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)

• • •

How has God guarded or saved you when you felt helpless and inexperienced? Let’s encourage each other by sharing our stories in the comments.

♥ Lois

As we lay down every “what-if” and “how-am-I-going-to-do-that” at God's feet, the peace that transcends understanding starts to invade our souls. Share on X God rescues us from our need to know the next 15 steps. From our desire to control the outcome. From our belief that we are the key figures in making this all work. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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Looking Back, Can We Find Joy in the Worst Times?

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: As years past and healing happens, it often becomes easier to see the good that was present in the middle of the very hardest days. ~

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” ~ Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

• • •

For a long time, I described 2019 as the worst year of my life.

My mom and dad died in the spring of that year, five weeks apart. The months leading up to their deaths were full of one unexpected medical crisis after another. The whole experience was intense, exhausting and excruciatingly sad.

I thought it would never end, long after the funerals were over.

Another Perspective

Yes, 2019 was a hard, hard year for my family. Five years later, it probably still qualifies as the worst year ever. But it might be better to paraphrase Dickens and say while it arguably was the worst of times, in some ways it was also the best of times.

Maybe it’s due to my optimistic personality, but I often look back at tough times and remember the good things too. Like eating my mom’s Italian meatballs in the family room of my childhood home when I was 22 and recovering from my first major abdominal surgery.

Or how Randy lovingly took care of me following several more surgeries after we got married.

Joy in the Sadness

In the months before and after my parents died, I remember family visiting from all over the world. Two funerals that were just about perfect. Speaking at my dad’s service. A long-awaited vacation to Alaska. Reconnecting with a dear friend from college while there.

I look back and recall the sadness, the if-onlys, the utter exhaustion. Of course I do. But I also remember the beauty. The times of togetherness. The many opportunities to reflect with loved ones about my parents’ lives and legacies.

I’ve asked myself, Am I trying to spin things to make myself feel better, or is this truly how I see it now?

I miss my parents terribly, but this is how I see it now. It was the worst of times and the best of times. And sometimes, the best times are those I remember more.

When the Grief Softens

I’m not trying to convince anyone that their worst year wasn’t terrible. Nor am I suggesting that they will ever stop thinking of it as the worst, for any number of reasons.

Some losses are so deep and profound that the pain never goes away. But if you are grieving, I encourage you to hold fast to the truth I experienced—you won’t always feel how you are feeling today.

The familiar verse reminds us, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5, NKJV) It may not be tomorrow morning, or the morning after that, but it will come.

And as the grief softens, the memories will grow warmer. Especially if the hope of heaven resides in your heart.

♥ Lois

If you are grieving, I encourage you to hold fast to the truth I experienced—you won’t always feel how you are feeling today. Share on X As the grief softens, the memories will grow warmer. Especially if the hope of heaven resides in your heart. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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What Happens When We Try to Speak to Everyone

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Modifying our words because we’re afraid of what our readers or listeners might think doesn’t make our message stronger; it dilutes it. Try this approach instead. ~

A few years ago, I read a book by an author a few decades younger than me. As I turned the pages, I got frustrated because she kept making generalizations that didn’t represent my feelings and experiences at all.

There are ways, when writing, to avoid this kind of tone. It can be as simple as starting a sentence with “many of us” instead of “we all.”

More than once, though, I had to remind myself that I was not her target audience. I read the book because I was interested in it, yes, but she wasn’t really speaking to me. And that was perfectly fine.

It’s true no matter our message or platform, role or venue:

We Can’t Be All Things to All People

We can’t write for everyone.

We can’t speak to everyone.

We can’t anticipate every possible reaction to every statement and address it before someone leaves an aggressive comment.

And this is all OK.

But it’s Tempting to Try, isn’t it?

Especially in a day and age when vast swaths of society seem to be hyper-sensitive about everything.

We don’t want to hurt or offend anyone, anywhere, in any way, so we try to include everyone. We caveat. Explain. Couch. Do everything possible to cover all the bases.

Unfortunately, this often just confuses the issue or dilutes whatever message we might be sharing.

Fortunately, There is Another Way

When I write about losing my parents, for example, I do so from the perspective of someone who had a good relationship with her mom and dad. I understand this is not the case for everyone, but trying to cover a wide variety of parent-adult child dynamics in every post would be tedious, to say the least.

Details are important, of course. But if we try to include everyone else’s stories in what we share, we would inevitably leave someone out. The way I see it, it’s better let people find themselves in what we share, rather than to put them there ourselves.

This takes a bit of confidence that we often lack. It takes believing that we have something helpful to say to some segment of the population, however niche it may be.

A Word of Advice

For followers of Christ who want to share their thoughts and convictions while also living “at peace with everyone” as much as possible (see Romans 12:18), here’s one word of advice: “Have courage and be kind.”

You may recognize this as a quote from Disney’s 2016 Cinderella, but I think it also applies to people who communicate in today’s culture.

We need courage because if we write to avoid every possible negative or challenging reaction—or every feeling that may come up when we draw from our wells of painful experiences—we’ll never say anything. We need to be kind because our message—whatever it may be—will fall on deaf ears if we are not.

The bottom line is this: We should always be careful with our words. But it should be the fear of God, not of man, that serves as our filter.

• • •

Do you every struggle with trying to be all things to all people? How do you handle the tension between speaking or writing what you’ve feel called to share and the need to do so graciously? And how do you respond when your words garner a less-than-positive reaction? Please tell us about your experiences in the comments.

Finally, while a single human can’t speak to everyone, God’s Word can. My friend Barbara writes about this in an encouraging post called One Book That Can Speak to Everyone.

♥ Lois

If we try to include everyone else’s stories in what we share, we would inevitably leave someone out. It's better let people find themselves in what we share, rather than to put them there ourselves. Share on X We should always be careful with our words, but it should be the fear of God, not of man, that serves as our filter. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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4 Ways to Respond When Your Prayers Go Unanswered

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: “When is God going to answer my prayer?” If you’ve ever asked this question, the following steps may encourage you and help you move forward as you wait. ~

I get a little antsy when an answer I am expecting takes longer than expected to arrive. OK, maybe antsy isn’t quite the right adjective. Anxious, irritable, practically beside myself with frustration—that’s more like it.

The longer the delay, the more agitated I become, until I want to bang my head against a brick wall in frustration. It’s not pretty, let me tell you.

Most of these issues get resolved eventually, which sends my stress level down to a more manageable range. But this scenario—which happened again just a few weeks ago—reminds me of prayer, especially heartfelt, pressing pleas that seem to go unanswered.

Is God Even Listening?

You know what I’m talking about, right? Those requests that you faithfully take to God day after day and month after month, with no apparent result or even any indication that He is actually listening?

It’s not like you’re asking Him to do something beyond the realm of His control. He’s omnipotent, after all. He simply has to speak the word and whatever it is that you’re asking Him to do will happen.

But when He doesn’t—for reasons known only to Him—it gets to be a bit much after awhile, doesn’t it? Maybe even to the point where giving up—on praying or even on God Himself—might seem like the most logical course of action.

The best plan isn’t always the most logical one, of course. I can’t tell you how or why God does what He does, but when answers to pressing prayer needs are not forthcoming, the following four steps might help you move forward.

• Focus on God’s Character

Who God is does not change with our feelings or circumstances. So try to turn your attention away from the notion that your prayer isn’t being answered and center it directly on what you know to be true about God—His character, His sovereignty, His love for you.

You wouldn’t let a child you love experience something painful—something that was within your power to change—if you didn’t have a good reason for it, would you? Nor does our perfect and wise heavenly Father allow hard things to happen our lives if He doesn’t have a reason for them.

There is always purpose, even if we can’t see it.

• Look for Answers in Other Areas

Just recently, while devoting a lot of energy to praying for the trial that was most current and urgent, I started noticing some obvious answers about a few issues that I have quietly prayed about for years. It was almost a relief to see evidence of the fact that, while my heart was consumed with one situation, God had been working in others all along.

• Count Your Blessings

There’s nothing new about this one. But when you intentionally look for something—anything—that you are thankful for, you’re sure to find it.

Finding one blessing makes you notice another, until you gradually start seeing God’s touches everywhere. And if you record them in a journal or on your phone, you’ll have examples of His faithfulness at your fingertips when your faith starts to waver.

• Keep Praying

Resist the temptation to give God the silent treatment, even if it feels like He’s giving it to you. Keep the lines of communication open and the words flowing. And, as hard as it might be, don’t limit your conversation with him to that One Big Request.

Maybe the delay will make sense to you someday; maybe it never will. In either case, you can rest in the confidence that the One who holds the answer hears every prayer and loves you with an everlasting love.

♥ Lois

Who God is does not change with our feelings or circumstances. Share on X Resist the temptation to give God the silent treatment, even if it feels like He’s giving it to you. Keep the lines of communication open and the words flowing. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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1 Way to Discern Truth Amid all the Noise

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: When conflicting reports and ideas swirl around us with ever-increasing intensity, it’s easy to get confused, overwhelmed or discouraged. Here’s one way to respond. ~

Molly was little—still young enough to sleep in a crib and take afternoon naps.

Our sweet girl usually woke up from her siestas quietly. She’s always been resourceful and imaginative, so there’s really no telling what all she did when we thought she was sleeping. Knowing her like we do now, it’s safe to assume she spent a significant amount of time playing around in her bed before she ever let us know she wanted to get up.

One day, though, she got herself into a bit of a pickle. When we heard her cries and ran upstairs to see what was wrong, we found that one of her pudgy little legs was stuck between the slats in the crib.

Randy attempted to bend the slats apart. He wiggled Molly’s leg around. He slathered it with baby lotion and tried to slide it through the opening.

Nothing Worked

He finally concluded the only solution was to cut one of the slats. He went to the garage to fetch a saw and was on his way back to Molly’s room when Lilly, the ever-protective big sister, saw what he was doing.

Horrified, she grabbed on to his leg with as much of a death grip as her five-year-old body could muster.

“No, Daddy,” she shrieked. “Don’t cut her leg off!”

Randy had no intention of doing that, of course. From Lilly’s perspective, though, Molly was stuck in her crib, and Daddy had a saw.

What Else Was She to Think?

We laugh about this now, but it’s also a sobering reminder that things aren’t always as they seem. First impressions are often inaccurate. A lack of understanding can lead to assumptions that are flat-out wrong.

Even after a great deal of thought or careful research, the “right answer” still might not be obvious. Not every solution is a finger swipe away. Even when we’re confident in our intelligence, sensory abilities or investigative skills, we can miss things—sometimes very important things.

In these tumultuous days, when conflicting reports and ideas about practically everything swirl around us with ever-increasing intensity, it’s easy to get confused, overwhelmed, perhaps even depressed. Truth exists, of course. But amid all the noise and “expert” opinions, it’s sometimes hard to discern, especially when we lack all the facts or even the ability to fully understand the situation.

1 Simple Prayer

More and more, as I ponder my responses to situations far more serious than a pudgy leg stuck in a crib, I find myself whispering one simple prayer to our omniscient God:

“Send Your light and Your truth; let them lead me.” (Psalm 43:3)

Time after time, He is faithful to answer—if only with the quiet reassurance of His presence.

• • •

Have you ever found yourself in a spot similar to Lilly, where what seemed to be happening was not at all what was taking place? What did you learn from the experience? Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

Things aren’t always as they seem. First impressions are often inaccurate. A lack of understanding can lead to assumptions that are flat-out wrong. Share on X Not every solution is a finger swipe away. Even when we’re confident in our intelligence, sensory abilities or investigative skills, we can miss things—sometimes very important things. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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