Author

Lois Flowers

What Happened

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: I’ve been away from this space for a few weeks, and this is why. ~

I had big plans for April.

Projects to do. Words to write. Weeds to pull. People to see.

You know how it goes.

Then on March 25, I ate breakfast and hopped on my bike for my morning ride. The next thing I remember is being in a hospital room a few days later.

According to eye witnesses that Tuesday morning, I stopped at an intersection, pushed the walk button, waited for the signal to turn green, checked to make sure no cars were coming and started across the road on my bike.

I never saw the Subaru that ran the red light and hit me in the crosswalk.

No, my plans for this spring did not include spending 19 days in various hospitals with brain trauma, skull and neck fractures and a broken leg that required emergency surgery.

That statement seems so blunt and dramatic. But sometimes, I’m learning, you have to say what happened before you can say anything else.

I’ve missed being here every week. At the same time, the healing process has been far more taxing than I ever imagined it could be.

The good news is that I am improving. I don’t always think so, but the friends and family members who see me regularly assure me that I am.

I haven’t done much of anything these last few weeks at home except read books on the couch, receive loving care from Randy, eat meals provided by neighbors and struggle to accomplish tasks that seemed second nature before.

I don’t know how all this is going to turn out or how long it will take.

I do have peace, though. I do believe God is with me and has gone before me every step of the way.

Perhaps more than anything else, I’m incredibly thankful.

I’m guessing each one of those sentences will become its own blog post at some point. Until then, I’m resting in the words of the old hymn I heard over Easter weekend, and I invite you to join me too.

“I hear the Savior say, thy strength indeed is small, child of weakness, watch and pray, find in Me thine all in all.”

♥ Lois

I don’t know how all this is going to turn out or how long it will take. I do have peace, though. I do believe God is with me and has gone before me every step of the way. Share on X

Note: The beautiful yellow flowers in the photo above arrived at my home on April 25, one month after the accident. As my mother-in-law said in the accompanying card, “It could have been so bad, but God is so good.” Amen to that!

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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When Trouble Brings Growth (for Our Children and for Us)

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: We don’t like to see our kids struggle. But God often uses the hard and hurtful stuff to direct their steps and build their character, no matter how old they are. ~

When children are little, it’s fairly easy to manage much of what they do, see and hear. As parents, we are the primary gatekeepers for what reaches them. And though bad influences can and sometimes do creep in, it’s not so hard to quash them.

The older they get, however, the more they start to think for themselves. This is as it should be, but the thoughts they start thinking don’t always line up with the thoughts we may want them to think.

They also start to experience more struggles—issues with friends, unmet expectations, problems in school, emotional swings, physical pain, and so on.

I didn’t worry about all these scenarios when my girls were younger, but a few of them had the potential to send me into orbit.

Worrisome What-ifs

Once when I was particularly spun up—to the point of extrapolating my fears into ridiculous future outcomes—I heard a sermon that transformed my thinking about the matter. One of the elders at my church was preaching about God’s sovereignty and used an experience from his daughter’s childhood to illustrate how God brings good from bad.

His daughter suffered an injury when she was younger that led to years of pain and difficult rehabilitation. As he talked about how her interactions with caring medical professionals later led her to become a nurse, I had an a-ha moment.

Would God have put our family together the way He did—by allowing us to bring home two very specific babies from China at two different times—just to disappear from our lives when the going got a bit rough? I asked myself.

And are any struggles they may have—in any area—enough to negate the plans He has for their lives, whatever they may entail?

God’s Tools

The answer to both, of course, is absolutely not. In fact, those struggles might be the very tools He uses to form my daughters into what He designed them to be before they were ever born.

Struggles build character. They force perseverance. They foster patience. They develop compassion.

All I have to do is look at my own life for proof.

I was a good kid. I followed all the “rules.” But back then, my faith walk was more of a “works walk.” My being a Christian was more about what I did or didn’t do than a personal relationship with Jesus.

I’m not necessarily complaining about this. I’m grateful for the pain I may have been spared because I was so strictly adhering to my do-not-do list.

Impetus for Spiritual Growth

But it wasn’t until I was an adult that I experienced anything close to what you might call spiritual growth. And you know what brought on those growth spurts?

It was trouble. It took on various forms, but no matter the trial, it was during those times when I started learning what it means to walk by faith and not by sight, what it means to die to myself so that others may experience life, what it means to live like Jesus is enough.

(Notice I said “started learning.” This is an ongoing process, sometimes marked by progress, sometimes by the exact opposite.)

Even So …

As a mom, I still wish there was some way for my children to avoid all that trouble and struggle. I’d prefer to shield them from pain and loss and challenging math problems. Not just because I don’t want them to hurt, but because—many times—it is also easier for me.

Avoiding trouble isn’t necessarily best for my girls, however—or for your kids, if you have them.

This might make us moms cringe a bit, because we don’t know what kinds of trouble may be in store for our sons and daughters, especially after they leave home.

God is Still Working

We will always be our children’s parents and will never stop loving and praying for them. But there is a Power much greater than us at work in them. And that should bring us comfort and hope—no matter how old they are.

If they are believers, God—their heavenly Father—is with them. He is for them. He loves them unconditionally.

None of that changes when they become teenagers, go off to college, get married or turn 21 (or 35 or 50). Nor will it ever change, for them, for me or for you.

♥ Lois

Some of our kids’ struggles may be very the tools God uses to form them into what He designed them to be before they were ever born. Share on X If our children are believers, God—their heavenly Father—is with them. He is for them. He loves them unconditionally. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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The Best Source of Stability on an Emotional Roller Coaster

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: What we think and believe influences how we feel. And when we find ourselves veering off into the whys or the what-ifs, God’s character is a faithful anchor.~

When you are faced with a difficult situation that isn’t going the way you hoped—perhaps due to circumstances out of your control—what’s your go-to emotion?

Anger or discouragement? Maybe something closer to anxiety or worry?

Whether our response is one of these or something else entirely, one thing is sure. What we think and believe influences how we feel. And when we find ourselves veering off into the emotional morass of the whys or the what-ifs, God’s character is a faithful anchor.

Always the Same

What is true about God doesn’t change according to our circumstances. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. As believers, our names are engraved on the palm of His hand. He loves us with an everlasting love. He goes before us and is with us. He will never leave us nor forsake us.

These are truths, not clichés. They are not metaphorically hidden in the pages of scripture. They are spelled out clearly and plainly.

Even though we may sometimes think otherwise, God’s love does not cease to apply to us when something in our lives goes wrong. We are not the exception to His promises, His truth or His sovereignty. When trials come, as He explicitly promised they would, His character does not bypass us or our loved ones.

The Essence of Faith

The heart of the matter is this. God is entirely who He says He is all the time, or He isn’t who He says He is at all. It’s that simple, and also that mind-blowing.

This is the essence of faith, I think. Fiercely clinging to the truth about God—to what the Bible says about His character and His ways—no matter what.

No matter how we feel. No matter what someone else does or says. No matter what is happening to people we love. No matter how long it takes God to act on their behalf, or ours, if He chooses to act at all.

I’ve got my own ugly batch of shortcomings and weaknesses, and there are plenty of times when I feel like I’m one step away from complete disaster.

But God—now He is infinitely faithful and trustworthy. He cannot lie, He cannot fail, He cannot cease to be who He is. When we hold fast to that, it informs how we feel about what is happening around us.

Our Natural Response

When people hurt us or bad things happen and our human minds struggle to reconcile what we’re experiencing or witnessing with what we believe, it’s natural to respond with doubt, fear, anger or disappointment. After a time, though, these attitudes can take up so much room in our minds or appear so insurmountable that we start to imagine even God’s grace can’t overcome them.

Maybe we don’t even want it to, if we get right down to it.  Maybe sticking with our doubt, our anger or our fear feels safer and more comfortable than throwing our lot wholeheartedly with the God who has somehow not lived up to our expectations.

But our feelings—about God or our circumstances—don’t change who He is. They don’t negate the work His Son did on the cross for us. They don’t remove us from His family.

God our Protector

As I read through the Bible, I notice how often He is referred to in terms of His protection for us. He’s our rock, the stronghold of our life, our strength, our shield, the mountain where we seek refuge and so on.

It occurs to me that, in addition to all the external enemies God protects us from, He also stands ready to save us from our natural-but-sometimes-not-helpful feelings.

The deeply entrenched disillusionment caused by the bad choices of other people. The periods of anger that stem from circumstances we don’t understand. The forehead-pinching worry about how that next procedure is going to turn out. The fear of what lies ahead that keeps us awake all hours of the night.

All That and More

Those feelings are real and often valid. But they don’t have to control our mind and heart.

One by one, day by day, we can cast our cares and our feelings at the feet of Jesus. None of it will surprise Him, of course. Our Creator knows our words before we speak them, and our feelings before we feel them. He sympathizes with us in our weakness, not because He sinned, but because He was tempted in the same ways we are.

“Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grade to help us in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

♥ Lois

God is infinitely faithful and trustworthy. He cannot lie, He cannot fail, He cannot cease to be who He is. When we hold fast to that, it informs how we feel about what is happening around us. Share on X One by one, day by day, we can cast our cares and our feelings at the feet of Jesus. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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It’s OK if Our Grief Doesn’t Include Buckets of Tears

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Some people cry a lot; others don’t. If you’re someone who doesn’t, take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. ~

We all express grief differently.

This might be obvious, but I think it’s worth noting. Especially for those of us whose grief doesn’t always involve a lot of tears.

We seem to be on the far end of a pendulum swing when it comes to emotions, don’t we? Years ago, tears were a sign of weakness, not humanness. Parents of Gen Xers like me were more apt to say things like, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The Opposite Extreme

The logic of that statement is questionable, to say the least. Now, however, in some settings it seems as if every emotion is worth exploring to the fullest extent possible, no matter the root cause, the circumstances, or whether the person feeling the feelings might simply be hungry or tired.

Particularly when it comes to grief but also in other areas, it seems like some people want all their feelings to be been seen, felt and affirmed by everyone.

This isn’t actually possible in the real world, of course. Each of us have a whole batch of stuff we are dealing with, and although we try to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, it’s literally impossible to notice everything about everyone else.

I’m guessing there’s a happy medium between the extreme ends of the feelings pendulum, though I’m not sure where it is. All I know is this: if people who cry easily felt misunderstood or embarrassed back in the stiff-upper-lip days, those who don’t express grief that way now may be the ones who feel as if there is something wrong with them.

Not the Only One

There’s no shame in crying buckets of hot tears or sobbing until gobs of snot roll down your face, as I’ve seen some authors put it. But that’s generally not how it works with me, and perhaps not with you either.

Maybe you are quieter, emotionally. But you’re still plugging along, still grieving in your own ways, which perhaps are not like the ways some voices on social media seem to be expressing their emotions.

If so, you are not the only one. I hope just knowing that provides a little bit of comfort, no matter what you are going through today.

And here’s something else to remember. Even if we tend to be pretty laid back when it comes to overt displays of emotion, the way we respond to sad seasons varies over our lifetimes. We may have seasons of many unexpected tears, and seasons when the tears simply dry up.

As we live, we grieve, is how I like to put it.

Other Outlets

Tears aren’t the only outlet for grief, of course. Some may sweat it out at the gym or on the running trail. Others find solace in kneading dough, ripping out Sheetrock or digging in the dirt.

For me, in the months and even for a few years after my parents died, my outlet was worship at church. The music would start and my eyes would start watering, especially when I heard the first chords of one of the hymns I remember so well from my childhood.

I wouldn’t exactly call it crying. But whatever it was, it helped.

My family grew to expect this during 2020 when we were watching church on TV in our basement family room. They put out the tissues and just let it happen.

When we went back to in-person church, my weekly face-watering sessions continued. I don’t know if anyone around me ever noticed. But God saw. And—comfort of all comforts—the One who wired me with this pressure relief valve collected every tear in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).

Divine TLC

Gradually, my Sunday tears dried up. Not long ago, though, my daughter’s friend who was visiting for the weekend started playing hymns on the piano in our living room. As I folded laundry in my nearby bedroom, I felt my nose get red and my eyes well up.

Once again, it was a sign of God’s tender care. As Psalm 147:3 puts it, our loving heavenly Father “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

I’m so thankful the healing comes for each of us in a way only He can orchestrate.

• • •

Whether you are a crier or not, I’d love to know if you have experienced emotions differently at different seasons of your life, and what that has looked like for you. Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

The way we respond to sad seasons may vary over our lifetimes. We may have seasons of many unexpected tears, and seasons when the tears simply dry up. Share on X Tears aren't the only outlet for grief, of course. Some may sweat it out at the gym or on the running trail. Others find solace in kneading dough, ripping out Sheetrock or digging in the dirt. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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How Embracing God’s Love and Timing Helps Us Overcome Rejection

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: In this Q&A interview, novelist Jeanne Takenaka talks about listening well, handling rejection and how stories come to life. ~

It doesn’t happen very often, but for me, one of the blessings of blogging is connecting with fellow bloggers in person.

This is how I met Jeanne Takenaka. We first got together for lunch when she was attending a writer’s retreat in my area. We met again when my family was vacationing near where she lives in Colorado. Somewhere along the way, we started chatting on the phone regularly, and she has become a dear friend.

After many years of working on her craft, Jeanne has achieved some notable goals lately. This year, Guideposts will publish two of her short non-fiction stories in two separate books, fulfilling her lifelong dream to write for them. And last fall, she also won a Genesis Award for her latest romance novel, which her literary agent is currently pitching to publishers.

(To be considered for this prestigious prize, writers submit the first 15 pages of their manuscripts for two rounds of judging. Unpublished finalists and winners can add this award to their writing résumé, and they often find literary agents and publishing house editors more receptive to discussing their writing projects.)

On her blog, Jeanne shares heart-felt articles about parenting (she has two college-age sons), fear, rejection, trusting God and other relatable topics. We visited about some of these subjects recently, and today I’m delighted to share that conversation with you.

Learning to Listen

LOIS: One thing I appreciate about you—maybe because I’m struggling to develop it myself—is your commitment to listening well. To your sons, especially, but also to others. Have you always been such a good listener? And if not, how did you learn this skill?

JEANNE: Honestly? I learned this skill from my husband. When we first began getting to know each other, I tried to finish his sentences, to show I was tracking with him. The thing was, I usually inserted the wrong words!

He is intentional in the words and ideas he expresses. As we grew in our relationship, I learned how important and affirming it is to him to not interrupt while he is talking. When I cut him off, it speaks disrespect to him. I’ve tried to use this practice in all my communications.

It’s not always easy. Especially as women, we tend to cut each other off and finish sentences. This can be acceptable sometimes, but when it happens to me, I struggle with feeling like what I wanted to say was considered unimportant. I want others to know I value their thoughts, so I try to listen without interrupting.

Overcoming a Rejection Mindset

LOIS: Speaking of female tendencies, your writing also touches on the theme of rejection, which I think is a particular pain point among many women. Could you briefly describe how, as an adult, you’ve been able to overcome the rejection you experienced as a child?

JEANNE: I’m still prone to a rejection mindset, but I do so much better than I used to. It’s been a slow journey of coming to understand how God sees me. He began by using a friend to share a visual that there was a gaping wound in my heart. As soon as she shared this, God showed me that wound was the rejections I’d faced over so many years.

That very moment, I asked God to heal it.

The overcoming happened slowly, as I recognized the thought processes that came in a situation where I felt rejected. Recognizing my thoughts and asking God to help me see them through His eyes helped. I had to learn how to reframe what I was perceiving and thinking so that those thoughts and perceptions lined up with God’s truths.

LOIS: What are some of those truths?

JEANNE: That I am significant to Him, simply because I am His daughter. That He loves me perfectly, passionately, completely—no matter what I do or don’t do. He can’t love me anymore than He already does because He loves me completely right now.

Stated another way, I think the most important thing that had to happen for me to overcome the impact of rejection in my life is that I had to embrace the truth that God cherishes me—and each of His children.

Trusting God’s Timing

LOIS: Switching gears just a little bit, how do you handle the inevitable rejection that comes with the writing life?

JEANNE: I’ve been writing long enough to know there will be rejections on the journey. When I face a rejection, I give myself a day or so to feel the sting of disappointment. I talk with God about it. And then I get back to work, whether it’s working more on the same story or beginning a new one. I move forward.

One of the biggest truths that has equipped me to handle rejection is that God’s timing is always, always perfect. He knows each writer’s journey, what He wants them to learn, what He wants to say through them.

Trusting Him on this journey has really helped me not sink into discouragement or want to throw in the proverbial towel. At least, not for very long!

Another thing that has helped is having writing friends who understand the tough side of this writing journey. Listening to their encouragement and perspectives has helped me to shake off rejection and keep moving forward.

When Stories Come to Life

LOIS: Where do your ideas for stories come from?

JEANNE: I love it when a story idea takes hold in my mind, maybe from something a friend shares with me, a newspaper article or something else I come across online. When a thread comes to life, my thoughts go a little crazy as I explore it to see what might work for a novel is fun.

LOIS: Do you ever draw from ideas from your own life and experiences?

JEANNE: Yes, there are stories of my heart, as I like to call them, that reflect real-life struggles, journeys taken, and reminders of God’s faithfulness. If there’s something that makes me tear up for the beauty of God’s presence in it, I’ll probably want to craft that something into a story to share with others.

Writing On

LOIS: What is it about writing that keeps you writing?

JEANNE: Since the time I was a teen and read a “forbidden book,” I have wanted to write. When I began blogging, I found it was a sweet way to share my heart for encouragement with others and to offer truths about God and Christian living with those who would read my words.

I love story. And learning how to write fiction has been a great joy and a path to deeper intimacy with God. He has taught me so much on this journey that I could not have learned anywhere else. He gives me inspiration and a love for writing, even when the path forward is hard or disappointing.

I think I keep writing because God gives me the desire to continue, even when I’m discouraged. He’s also gifted me with priceless friendships with other writers—both fiction and nonfiction—that spur me onward on this journey.

LOIS: I’m thankful for our friendship, Jeanne, and I look forward to seeing where God takes your words in the coming months.

• • •

You can read more of Jeanne’s writing—including this wonderful article about understanding our worth—on her website, Jeannetakenaka.com. She would love to connect with you there or on Instagram at @jeanne_takenaka. Feel free to leave her a comment below as well.

♥ Lois

I want others to know I value their thoughts, so I try to listen without interrupting. ~ Jeanne Takenaka Share on X God’s timing is always, always perfect. He knows each writer’s journey, what He wants them to learn, what He wants to say through them. ~ Jeanne Takenaka Share on X I keep writing because God gives me the desire to continue, even when I’m discouraged. ~ Jeanne Takenaka Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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Do We Ever Stop Grieving? A Hopeful Perspective

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: How we talk and think about grief can affect our ability to move through it in a healthy way. Here are a few truths to counteract one unhelpful statement you may have heard. ~

Since my parents died in 2019, I’ve read a lot about grief and grieving relating to the death of a loved one. More in the early days of my family’s loss, when my sorrow was fresh and exhausting, but also in recent days.

A phrase I don’t recall reading initially that I’ve noticed lately is this:

“You will never stop grieving.”

I’ve seen it in books and on Instagram, by authors and “grief influencers” (for lack of a better term). While correctly and kindly acknowledging how hard and sad the loss of a loved one is, they also assert that grief changes over time but will never go away.

Perhaps this is where they are themselves—unable to imagine not feeling the heaviness of grief, and maybe not even wanting to let it go. Sometimes, grief is almost like a warm cloak; as long as we’re feeling bad, we think, we’re keeping the memories of our loved one alive.

I Understand This

And yet, I also believe the terminology we assign to unavoidable life events and processes can affect our ability to move through them in a healthy way.

Some cases of heartbreak are so profound that a person’s grief never goes away. The loss of child, or a dearly loved spouse after many decades of marriage, could result in such never-ending sorrow.

I don’t think, however, that grieving people should be told to expect this. Neither does author Randy Alcorn, who often writes about losing his wife, Nanci, in 2022.

“God knows we need a season of grief. But a season is not a lifetime,” he said in a blog post titled Healthy Grief is Centered on God’s Promises. “He intends that we would also smile and laugh and dance again. There is no set timetable, but God wants us to find relief in Him.”

Joy and Sorrow Co-exist

Abundant life exists after grief, in other words. If you are deep in the mire of grief today, you will not always feel how you are feeling. Over time, you may begin to see that joy and sorrow co-exist—that you can experience both happiness and sadness at the same time—and that this is OK.

Or perhaps what you used to call grief may morph into missing.

Sad thoughts and memories come and go. You will always miss that person you loved so much, at some times more than others.

But missing isn’t grieving. Missing is remembering. Missing is reality. Missing is a fact of life.

When the Grief Softens

I attended a GriefShare group the fall after my parents died. I don’t remember most of the material presented each week, but something the facilitator said made a deep impression on my shellshocked heart. “As the grief softens,” she said, “the memories grow warmer.”

As I trudged my way through sadness tinged with regret, unanswerable questions and loneliness, I discovered she was right. The grief did soften, and the memories did become warmer.

This doesn’t happen with every loss, of course. When memories trigger sadness instead of warm thoughts, it helps to intentionally notice how God has carried us through those hard times. And to remember that with every day that passes, we are one day closer to being reunited with our loved ones in heaven.

Ongoing Effort Required

Whether memories become warmer or not, instant gratification is nowhere to be found on this journey. It takes effort to move through active grief—effort that is ongoing, but also worth noticing and perhaps even celebrating.

Here’s how my friend Linda puts it in a Substack post called A Sunrise, the Grief Group & and a Whole Bunch of Helpful Resources:

“My hat’s off,” she writes, “to all of us who do the hard work of rolling up our sleeves and walking up and down sorrow’s hills and valleys. … Who have no interest in believing that there’s a 1-2-3 checklist or some kind of magic wand that’ll wave away their grief. Who stubbornly refuse to be defined by what we’ve lost.”

She continues: “Yes, it is possible and very much preferable to purposefully shed the worn and tattered garment of sadness and re-define ourselves by His joy. His peace. And all the good things the Holy Spirit originally gifted us with at our spiritual birth through Jesus Christ.”

A Gentle Suggestion

Dear reader, if you are regularly reading or listening to people who make statements like, “You’ll never stop grieving,” I have one gentle suggestion: You might want to find encouragement elsewhere.

Talk to actual people in your life who have experienced grief but haven’t let it define them. Read books by Randy Alcorn, Jerry Sitser and others who have had many years to reflect on grief through the lens of God’s faithfulness.

Most of all, bring your sorrows to the Man of sorrows who is divinely acquainted with every aspect of your grief (Isaiah 53:3). He provides comfort and rest in our sadness, but, as Linda says, He also is “always and forever ready, willing, and able to use our healing experience to equip us to come alongside other hurting souls.”

• • •

Whenever I write about grief, I do so with the awareness that my experience is limited to a few very specific kinds of loss. I’d love to know how this process has played out in your life … please share in the comments if you are so inclined.

Also, if you have lost your mom or dad (or both), I have a collection of articles called Help for Parent Loss that you may find comforting or encouraging. Check it out here and consider sharing it with a friend who may also find it helpful.

♥ Lois

Sad thoughts and memories come and go. You will always miss that person you loved so much, at some times more than others. But missing isn’t grieving. Missing is remembering. Share on X When memories trigger sadness instead of warm thoughts, it helps to intentionally notice how God has carried us through those hard times. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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