Inside: There’s an important difference between grief and disappointment, and here’s why it matters.
On Sunday, the Kansas City Chiefs take on the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl. The last time the Chiefs played in the NFL championship, the match didn’t go so well for our boys in red. That loss prompted the following thoughts about disappointment, and how it relates to grief.
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I’m not the most rabid football fan in the world, but I still remember how glum I was the day after the Super Bowl in 2021—possibly the worst game the Kansas City Chiefs had played in several years. Recalling the joy and ecstasy that swept over Kansas City when the team won the Super Bowl in 2020 made the disappointment even more poignant.
Many experts predicted a repeat victory, but it’s a rare thing for a team to win the championship two years in a row. Especially if Tom Brady is the other team’s quarterback.
Tom Who?
The thing about disappointment, though, is that it usually fades away. A week or two later, I had mostly forgotten how it felt to lose the Super Bowl.
Not all disappointments dissipate so quickly, of course. Some linger for weeks, months, perhaps even years. You might think you are over it when a pang hits you for one reason or another and it all comes rushing back.
My Story
I experienced this when the book I wrote about infertility went out of print only one year after it was published. Writing the book was such a personal labor of love. I poured my entire heart and soul into it. I just knew God was going to do huge things with it.
Perhaps He did; perhaps He still is. But not in the way that I had hoped and expected.
I was bitterly disappointed, maybe more so than ever in my life to that point.
Grief in the Spotlight
I often thought of those feelings when Covid-19 shut the world down and so many important life events had to be cancelled or postponed. Perhaps you remember, as I do, all the articles about the topic of grief that were published during that time.
There was great sorrow over literal loss of life, of course. But much of the grief being discussed had to do with rapid and unexpected change, the jarring nature of unprecedented events, the fact that we were all facing things we had never faced before—as a world, a nation and individually.
Which brings a question to my logical mind. Was all of that truly grief, or was part of it something closer to the bitter disappointment I felt when my book went out of print?
What’s the Difference?
I suppose what I’m really asking is this: Is there is a difference between grief and disappointment, and does it even matter in the grand scheme of life?
We all have varied life experiences and ways of processing, so your answers to these questions might be different than mine. I sincerely want to know what you think about this, by the way, so please share your perspective in the comment section.
As for me, I don’t think there’s a sliding grief scale that ranks life-changing losses like the death of a spouse or parent far above the postponement of a significant milestone event. Comparisons are never helpful in any situation, especially not when it comes to grief.
Grief doesn’t just apply to actual loss of life, either. We can grieve over severed or difficult relationships. Children making wrong choices. The sad state of the world. The loss of our livelihood or any kind of suffering (our own or a loved one’s).
What grieves you may not grieve me, but that doesn’t mean it’s not grief.
Why Does it Matter?
That said, when I think about these things—and talk to my daughters about them—I try to draw a distinction between grief and disappointment. In my mind, the latter applies to events, hopes, desires, certain circumstances not turning out how we thought they would.
It can feel very much like grief—again, bitter is a good adjective in these cases—but it’s temporary.
As painful as it seems at the time, we get over disappointment. We move on to the next thing, and whatever it was that caused our disappointment is simply a memory. It might be a tough or cringy memory, but it’s not something that keeps us up in the night months or years after it happened.
Grief Takes Time
Healing from grief, on the other hand, takes much longer. For some losses, there may never be an endpoint, at least not on this side of heaven.
Here’s the thing, though. Words can empower us or drag us down unnecessarily. To tell someone—particularly someone young and impressionable—that they are grieving when they are actually disappointed might make what they are going through feel heavier than it needs to feel.
It also doesn’t prepare them for those times in the future when they really are grief-stricken.
Processing Hard Situations
I try to keep this in mind when I am helping my girls process hard events and situations in their lives. But I also realize that it might not be possible to prepare for such difficult occasions—at least not in a conscious, tangible way.
Maybe—no matter our age—we simply have to take each one as it comes and grow through it the best we can.
The good news is that whether we’re crying tears of disappointment or tears of grief, God sees and makes note of each one (Psalm 56:8). Whether our feelings are short-lived or longer lasting, He is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
So let’s keep talking things through as they happen. Giving space for feelings but not overreacting. Using our words carefully. Emphasizing God’s sovereignty and divine comfort.
All of this helps to build a foundation of truth that holds us up, wherever we are in the process.
♥ Lois
Is there is a difference between grief and disappointment, and does it even matter in the grand scheme of life? Click To Tweet Whether we’re crying tears of disappointment or tears of grief, God sees and makes note of each one. Click To Tweet Let’s keep talking things through as they happen. Giving space for feelings but not overreacting. Using our words carefully. Emphasizing God’s sovereignty and divine comfort Click To TweetP.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.
26 comments
Lois,
You’ve given me a lot to ponder here. Grief and disappointment often seem to be intricately interwoven but at times they appear uniquely singular. Great thoughts!
Blessings,
Tammy
Thanks, Tammy! I’m always happy to provide pondering material. 🙂
First of all, Lois, I’m sorry your book didn’t continue being published. As others voice here, it made a difference in my life, too. (And you never know how much it passed forward and blessed others, too.) What especially still comforts my heart is how you learned through it all of God’s sovereignty and ever-faithful character in all situations. It helped me to see through a different perspective. And it helped me understand how though each of our stories are different, each one is important. God has greatly used the hope He has given you to give hope to others, myself included. I love reading and watching how you honestly share your heart and have grown through all your disappointments and griefs in your life for the benefit of others. I love this – “So let’s keep talking things through as they happen. Giving space for feelings but not overreacting. Using our words carefully. Emphasizing God’s sovereignty and divine comfort.
All of this helps to build a foundation of truth that holds us up, wherever we are in the process.” Thank you for all your encouragement throughout the years, dear friend. Love and blessings to you!
Oh Trudy … it blesses my heart that you were so encouraged by my book. You are always so good at finding ways that you can relate to people. 🙂 I’m so thankful for YOUR continued friendship and encouragement over the years. Love and hugs to you, dear friend.
I’ve been talking to my daughter about grief in much the way you present it here. I’m wondering if midlife brings us the opportunity to learn the shades of meaning of words and experiences as we help the younger generation begin to understand them. Thanks for taking on this important topic.
I think you’re right about midlife, Natalie. I think talking to the younger generation about such matters is so important … especially these days when emotions and feelings seem to hold more weight than truth and common sense.
Lois, I love the way you walked through grief and disappointment here. No stranger to grief, as I currently process the sudden death of my Mother, I also think grief AND disappointment can journey together. While I am overcome with deep grief at her loss, I also am disappointed about a number of things that took place in recent months which now cannot be resolved, at least here on earth!
By the way, I’m an avid Eagles fan, so one of us will be severely disappointment next Monday morning….
So insightful, Donna … the idea that grief and disappointment can journey together. Each one makes the other all the more painful, I think. I’m so sorry for your loss, friend … keeping you close in my prayers.
I wanted you to know that your infertility book made a huge difference in my life. I thought the points you made were times less truths that apply to many life situations, not just infertility. The ideas of “god sightings” and “each of us have our own story” has stuck with me during low times.
I have shared your book many times with strict instructions to return it to me because it was out of print.
We ended up adopting. Your book helped me be more comfortable and confident with that decision. Our kids are 18 and 15 now.
Your book had an impact on me and the infertility support group that I was a part of through my church during that time. It gave us a wonderful basis for conversations of the heart. Some of those women turned into my closest friends when our kids were young.
Aw, Dayna … thank you for taking the time to comment–your words are such a blessing to my heart. I’m glad the support group was so helpful for you, and even more happy that the book helped you be more comfortable and confident with your decision to adopt. 🙂
A proper perspective of disappointments vs. grief provides a foundation for response, so we can avoid overreacting and suffering needlessly. My mother may not have been thinking about that, but she taught me about perspective just the same. I remember being upset about a math grade (my least favorite subject!). She asked, “Do you think this will matter five years from now?” Just that simple question helped me get past my upset and press on.
Such a good question, Nancy … your mom was very wise. 🙂
Lois, I love your balanced approach as we consider grief and disappointment. Grief and disappointment have different long-term impacts on us. Grief seems to cut us more deeply and for a longer time than disappointment. When I think of grief, I usually consider loss of a relationship and loss of loved ones as things I would grieve. There are other losses as well that would cut. BUt I appreciate how you differentiate disappointments as being a result of a circumstance, hope, dream, or other “external” not turning out the way we’d hoped.
I’m so thankful God walks with us through both. He knows how to comfort us and help us as we grapple with them. He is always faithful.
Amen to that, Jeanne! Without God’s presence, those bitter disappointments would be so much more painful. And I can’t even imagine grief without Him. So thankful for your help in fleshing all this out!
This is really thought-provoking, Lois! I hadn’t really considered the difference between grief and disappointment but I like how you differentiate them. I can think of times when I’ve experienced disappointment that felt like grief at the time. In one case I can think of it lasted several years, but it’s strange to look back now and see how little it actually mattered in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, I think I associate grief with situations where there is an ongoing impact that never truly goes away.
I love your reminder that God cares for our grief and disappointment and that that although they are painful he can work growth through them.
Lesley, time has a way of altering our perspective, doesn’t it? I’m with you about associating grief with “situations where there is an ongoing impact that never truly goes away.” I’m so glad you added your thoughts to this conversation, friend.
I agree there is a difference, but I hadn’t really thought much about what the distinction is. This is really helpful to think through and very wise, thank you! It does make me wonder as well if disappointment is something that has consequences that bother us but don’t change the trajectory of our lives much. Grief seems like it is something that tends to come with a shift in the direction we are going or in what our life looks like everyday long-term. But I might be over thinking it!
I love these thoughts, Bethany … they sound like deeper thinking to me, not overthinking! That’s such a good point … disappointments have bothersome consequences but aren’t life-altering. Now you’ve given ME more to ponder … 🙂
I’d have to think about this for days to process it. But my immediate reaction is that I like your distinction. Disappointment and grief have similarities. But the former seems more temporary and seems to apply to things that are less weighty in the long run.
In the short run, though, I don’t know if there are differences in how we deal with them. Maybe it’s a bit easier to deal with disappointment because we know that in ten years, it’s not going to matter (at least as much) that our team lost or we didn’t get the part we tried out for, or whatever. But part of the rawness of grief is that there’s no going back to normal–normal has changed. And even when we know, as believers, that our losses are temporary, that we’ll see our loved ones again, we’ll know we’ll carry the weight of missing them for the rest of our lives.
But in either case, we know our Father cares and offers “grace to help in time of need.”
Re your book–do the rights revert to you when the book is no longer in print? If so, you could convert it to an e-book and still offer it for sake without having to deal with printing physical copies. I have read of authors doing that, but I don’t know what’s involved.
“Normal has changed.” So true, Barbara … that’s a really good distinction to make about grief. And yes, that weight of missing someone is often so heavy. I appreciate your thoughts about this. As for the book, yes, I did get the rights back and just lately have been thinking about doing something with the material. I may run some ideas about that with you over email … stay tuned. 🙂
Oh Lois! Your book made a HUGE impact in the lives of hundreds and and hundreds of couples experiencing infertility in Cincinnati, OH! If you remember me, I’m the one that started the Infertility Group at my church, Crossroads, in Cincinnati back in the early 2000s. We used your book as our official Group Guide, because it made such a profound impact on my life, personally, and was literally the ONLY thing that brought me peace while I was at my deepest despair in my own infertility journey. God directly used your book and your words to speak to me, like a lighting bolt from Heaven directly to me! I was struggling because I was able to find any answer I needed medically about why I was experiencing infertility, but it was the GOD questions that I couldn’t find answers to, and THAT is what was causing me so much deep grief. That’s where your book came in and made all the difference. It was exactly like God was using YOUR book to give me the answers He wanted me to know–the very things I was struggling with, (like how to pray, for example) and He gave me the Biblical answers I need through your words. It was as if each chapter was focused on every big God-question I had, and each chapter answered the very questions I was wresting with and had no one to help me answer. I vividly remember reading your book from cover to cover in one sitting the night I bought it, and laid in my bed with tears streaming down my face and saying, “Thank you, God, for answering me.” It was YOUR book that also spoke to hundreds and hundreds of suffering couples who had the same questions as I did that ended up coming to my Infertility Support Group looking for answers and support for many, many years, and so many told me that they also found peace through your book and helped us all to understand God’s character better through the anguish we were experiencing. As you know, many couples often turn away from God during infertility, blame God, get mad at God, etc… and marriages are often destroyed because they can’t withstand the grief, but because of YOUR book, the couples in MY groups got closer to God, closer to their Spouses, and had a better understanding of God’s goodness and character amidst their pain and came out on the other end stronger in their Faith, rather than turning away from God like so many do. Your book was literally a God-send and YOU were a God-send to all of us! Hundreds of us! I can’t even count how many couples came thru my groups…but I know the count is in the hundreds! (And funny fact, you’re literally a celebrity in my circle of friends who also read your book and were a part of my groups! When I finally found you and connected with you on the phone and explained how we were trying to find a large quantity of your book to order for the couples in our group, we were literally gushing and high-fiving each other because we found you! At one point I had several copies of your book, and have given them all away, except for one copy that I hold on to dearly–it has the tear-stained pages and it’s precious to me. I just can’t even express how much you book spoke to me, and how an answer to a prayer it was for me in my own infertility journey and how it literally changed my life. I even did an entire testimony in front of hundreds of infertile couples several times, and called it “My pile of stones,” after your Foreward in your book. I had a pile of stones in front me, each with a name written on it with a person that had spoken to me with something from God directly to me. You and your book mean more to me than you’ll ever know! I hope this comment brings you encouragement, dear friend. You made a difference. A huge one.
Oh Laura … of course I remember you and your wonderful infertility ministry! Thank you for reminding me of how God brought us together and how He used the book in your life and the lives of the couples in your groups. One thing I love about this story is that so much of it happened without me even knowing it. God’s always fulfills His purposes, doesn’t he? I can’t tell you how your comment has blessed and encouraged my heart this week, in particular. God’s timing and kindness is amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, my friend. It was lovely to hear from you.
Grief can come from various situations and depths. No one’s grief experiences are quite the same. I think we need to remember this so as to be able to come alongside of one another and to offer encouragement. I am so grateful God is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). He knows we are frail and steps into our grief to bring the comfort only He can.
I think you’re right, Joanne, that understanding our experiences are all different enables us to encourage one another better. How grateful I am for this: that God “steps into our grief to bring the comfort only He can.” Amen, friend.
Love this, Lois. We think of grief as something that only happens when someone or something dies, but it’s more than that. I’ve always thought of grief as a kind of disappointment, but I’ve never thought about it quite like you mentioned here. Wonderful post. I especially liked this paragraph: “So let’s keep talking things through as they happen. Giving space for feelings but not overreacting. Using our words carefully. Emphasizing God’s sovereignty and divine comfort.” Yes.
It’s so good to hear your thoughts about this, Ashley. Thank you for sharing your perspective … and your kind words.