Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

by Lois Flowers

When my dad died in late May, planning the funeral proved to be quite a logistical challenge. Given the time of year, it was a bit tricky to find a date when both the church and the pastors who would lead the service were available at the same time. Beyond that, several family members were overseas and not able to return immediately.

As a result, we had to wait more than two weeks for the service to take place. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked out OK. And in the end, the timing was such that the funeral was held on what would have been my parents’ 61st wedding anniversary.

I had a difficult time sleeping in those days leading up to the funeral. So many questions, details, plans and memories kept running through my head. Try as I might, I just couldn’t turn off the flow.

After several sleep-deprived nights, I once again found myself wakeful and restless in the wee hours of the morning. I tried the couch in the living room but eventually ended up in the basement guest room.

That’s where Randy found me some time later—when he woke up and realized I was no longer in our room. He sat on the edge of the bed, and we discussed my racing mind.

“You should think about talking to someone,” he said simply.

I had never been to counseling or therapy before. I have nothing against it, of course. I had even entertained the idea of going at some point—after the funeral, after things settled down, after all was said and done.

We’ve been married a long time, Randy and I. He knows me better than anyone else, but he doesn’t often flat-out tell me what to do.

When he said that, though, it was as if God was speaking through him right to me: “This is the way; walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:21)

Very clearly, I saw that I needed someone to help me process the events of the last few years, to help me unsnarl all the feelings and thoughts and emotions associated with losing both my parents within five weeks after months of declining health.

Yeah, I probably should talk to someone, I thought. Sooner rather than later.

I knew I probably would keep finding reasons to put it off if I didn’t do something right away. So before we left for Alaska in early July, I called a counseling office a friend had recommended and made an appointment for several days after we got back.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was actually pretty nervous, to tell you the truth.

Would I cry for an hour straight? What if I didn’t like the counselor? What if the whole thing was completely awkward or—worse yet—my problems were even bigger than I thought?

My fears were largely unfounded.

After multiple sessions, I haven’t had any huge revelations or earth-shattering epiphanies. Somehow, though, my conversations with the counselor often prompt helpful realizations in the quiet of my mind after I’ve gone home and resumed my regular tasks.

For me, processing out loud with a trained professional is kind of like stirring a pot of something simmering on the stove. It keeps all the bits and pieces from burning on the bottom and incorporates everything into one (somewhat) cohesive mental stew.

Turns out, my problems don’t appear to be bigger than I thought—at least not right now.  Initially, I was largely overwhelmed and unsure of how to work my way though the losses and the sadness. I still feel overwhelmed at times, but perhaps I’m also a bit better equipped to plow through it all.

I also realize I’m not necessarily moving toward an end point. The counseling sessions will stop, but “over it” will likely never be a box I will check when I think about this season of my life.

Healing is under way, though. In fact, I’m guessing it’s been going on much longer than I can even comprehend. And the God of all comfort is ever with me, gently guiding me through the tears, memories, questions and struggles.

My counselor has provided perspective on what grief entails, on what’s normal, on what to anticipate in the days ahead. Reporting back to him has helped me push forward on some activities I was dreading—like returning to my parents’ nursing home, signing up for a GriefShare group and following up on what I like to think of as “the headstone project.”

It’s one step at a time, this process. It’s about grief, yes, but it’s also about life.

Counseling won’t bring my parents back. It’s not a panacea for the sadness.

But Randy was right.

Talking to someone does help.

Lois

It’s one step at a time, this counseling process. It’s about grief, yes, but it’s also about life. Click To Tweet The counseling sessions will stop eventually, but “over it” will likely never be a box I will check when I think about this season of my life. Click To Tweet

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStoryLet’s Have Coffee, Faith on Fire, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.

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20 comments

Deb Wolf September 14, 2019 - 1:47 pm

Lois, This is such an important subject. Maybe it’s because I process things better out loud as well but I’ve been blessed often by the thought-inspiring wisdom of counselors. It sure was great getting to meet you in person and get some time to chat. Blessings and hugs!

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Lois Flowers September 17, 2019 - 8:48 am

I process better out loud too, Deb … as you could probably tell from our conversation last week! I’m thankful that we could connect in person too … blogging is great but nothing beats face-to-face! 🙂

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Joanne Viola September 14, 2019 - 6:02 am

Lois, grief is a process and a process we can never prepare for ahead of time. I am grateful that you are sharing your journey so transparently. May God continue to bring healing to your losses and comfort you on the hard days.

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Lois Flowers September 17, 2019 - 8:44 am

Thanks so much, Joanne. I sometimes wish we COULD prepare in advance … then again, I don’t know if that would make it easier or just distract us from being present in the moment. Hugs, friend!

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Jeanne Takenaka September 12, 2019 - 8:53 pm

Lois, you have been through a lot. You are blessed to have such a wise husband. I’m glad God led you to a “right-for-you” counselor and that being able to talk things through is helping.

I’m praying for you, friend.

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Lois Flowers September 17, 2019 - 8:41 am

I so appreciate your prayers, Jeanne. You and your sweet family have been in my prayers too … we need to connect through email soon, don’t we? 🙂

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Lisa notes September 12, 2019 - 8:09 pm

Good for you, Lois. At traumatic points in my life I’ve been blessed with the wise counsel of “talking to someone about this” too. It always helped. Praying that your healing continues strong and beautiful.

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Lois Flowers September 17, 2019 - 8:40 am

Thanks so much, Lisa. It’s good to hear from people who are much further down the path … your perspective and experience is a comfort. 🙂

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Trudy September 12, 2019 - 1:50 pm

I’m so grateful you took the step to counseling, Lois. You have been through so much these last years. I love your metaphor of processing out loud as stirring a stew. So true. But yes, as you say, “over it” will never be a box we can check off. I love how the God of all comfort is holding you up and gently guiding you through the tears, memories, questions and struggles. Love and blessings to you!

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Lois Flowers September 17, 2019 - 8:38 am

I love that too, Trudy. Some days and weeks are a bit harder than others … I know you can relate to that! Hugs, friend!

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Laurie September 11, 2019 - 7:30 pm

Your husband is a wise man and he was talking to you out of love. I am glad to read that you are getting some help with your grief. It IS a process. One step at a time.

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Lois Flowers September 16, 2019 - 5:43 pm

Laurie, it’s interesting to me how some days the steps can feel so light and other days, so heavy. My logical brain wants it to be structured and linear, but it certainly is not that!

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Bethany September 10, 2019 - 4:10 pm

So glad for your wise husband, his advice, and that talking to someone has been helpful. Your metaphor is the stew is such an effective picture of why counseling can be so powerful even when much of it seems simple. Thanks for sharing this wisdom, Lois! Continuing to pray with you!

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Lois Flowers September 16, 2019 - 5:41 pm

Thanks, Bethany! I hope your week is off to a good start, my friend!

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Lesley September 10, 2019 - 2:48 pm

So glad you’ve taken this step and found someone to talk to, and that you’re finding it helpful. It’s amazing the difference it can make to process things out loud with someone who listens. Even though it doesn’t change the situation it can definitely help us get perspective and find a way forward.

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Lois Flowers September 16, 2019 - 5:40 pm

So true, Lesley. Sometimes all it takes to get the wheels turning better is formulating the words in the presence of an objective person. Hugs, friend!

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nylse September 10, 2019 - 12:33 pm

This post resonated. Often times talking to the right someone is just the antidote we need.
Stopping by from a linkup

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Lois Flowers September 16, 2019 - 5:38 pm

I’m so glad you stopped by, Nylse. Yes, talking to the “right someone” is the antidote to a lot of things, isn’t it? 🙂

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Linda Stoll September 10, 2019 - 7:44 am

I love this post for lots of reasons and am applauding your decision to sit with a counselor for awhile.

I’m starting to go to a GriefShare group tomorrow. It makes me smile and feel brave to know that you’ll be going to a group, too, Lois.
xo

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Lois Flowers September 16, 2019 - 5:35 pm

I’ll be thinking of you as I go to my group tonight, Linda. I agree … it’s good to know you are on the same path. Hugs, friend.

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