The grief experts call them secondary losses—those poignant times when a loved one who would have been there is not there, and, no matter how long it’s been, his or her absence is felt, sadly and deeply.
It could be a milestone life event like a wedding or graduation. A holiday meal. An opportunity to share a bit of good news.
Or, as is the case right now, a war on the other side of the globe.
I remember calling my dad on 9-11, after watching the planes crash into the Twin Towers. A first-generation German American from Milwaukee, he moved to New York after college to work and get his master’s degree at Columbia University.
“Oh dear,” he said when I told him what was happening.
Somehow, just knowing he knew helped.
It was like that over and over again in my life. My dad, who voted in 17 presidential elections and knew more than anyone else I knew about most things, didn’t necessarily offer comforting words during tough times. What he offered, probably without even realizing it, whether in person or over the phone, was his comforting presence.
If I’m being totally honest, I’m not sorry my parents passed away in 2019 and weren’t around for the last two years. My mom would have been 90 this year, my dad 89. Chances are, if they hadn’t succumbed to Covid, they might have died of old age.
They’re with Jesus now. I can’t bring them back, nor do I want to.
But I do miss them. Oh, how I miss them.
My girls are near the age I was during the first Gulf War. They’ve lived through far more world and national turmoil than I could even imagine at their age. They’ve certainly been exposed to more of it, thanks to screens and 24/7 news cycles.
The difference is, I’m the parent now. I’m the one who is supposed to offer the reassuring words about the latest catastrophe, national or personal.
I don’t understand all the events, ramifications and consequences, political, spiritual or otherwise. I just know enough to know whatever is going on—here and abroad—is unsettling and deeply confusing.
So what’s a mom to do?
Fortunately, at least when it comes to the latest headlines, I’m not sure my girls need as much comforting as I did. (Shoot, who am I kidding—like I still do.) They have different personalities and struggles, but it doesn’t seem as if they are as prone to worry as I was for so many years.
I think I’m asking for myself, rather than for them.
Where does my help come from?
Who is the source of my strength?
It’s not my parents, as a collective unit. Not my dad. Not even my husband, as comforting as it is to be on this journey together with him.
My help—and yours too—comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
The God who holds the whole world in His hand, who goes before us and is with us, who hung the stars in place and keeps the planets in orbit—He alone is our ever-present refuge in time of trouble.
I can’t call Him on the phone like I called my dad during unsettling times. But I can pray—anytime, anywhere—and know that my heavenly Father hears and understands.
• • •
Do you have a loved one who personifies comfort for you? What aspect of God’s character is encouraging you the most right now? Share your thoughts in the comments, if you please.
♥ Lois
My help—and yours too—comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Click To Tweet The God who holds the whole world in His hand, who goes before us and is with us, who hung the stars in place and keeps the planets in orbit—He alone is our ever-present refuge in time of trouble. Click To TweetP.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.
32 comments
I so relate to what you say about your dad. My dad was the same about knowing so much about so many things. but also like you, I’m glad my parents didn’t have to be here to live through covid and the past several years of such unrest. But oh how I would love to talk with my dad a few times about current events and get his take! I miss those conversations we had.
Me too, Lisa. There are so many times when I could just drive on over to my parents’ house and talk things out with my dad. I hope those kinds of conversations happen in heaven, don’t you? (Of course, they’ll be about good stuff, not what’s going in the world right now!)
Yes, let us all concentrate on where our help comes from—God. I love reading your post. I bet you miss your parents at times like this. Thank you for sharing on Grace & Truth Link-Up. Maree
I do miss them, Maree … so much. It’s so thoughtful of you to mention that. 🙂
There’s just something about shared experiences that make everything better and lighter. I love how poignantly you convey that, Lois, to help us see that we have this in Christ. He bears it all with us. What a gift, what a comfort!
Thanks for your kind words, Bethany. Yes, it is such a comfort that Jesus bears it all with us. Hugs, friend.
Lois, I remember reading your posts about losing your parents and the great grief that comes with that. My dad has been gone for 11 years now and I still have moments when my heart feels as though it drops into my stomach thinking about him and missing him. Likewise, what’s going on in our current world is heartbreaking. So thankful we have a comforter and helper in the Lord of heaven and earth.
I’m sorry for those heart-dropping moments, Karen … I know exactly what you mean when you describe them. It is a comfort to know such feelings are normal and that they come because we loved so much.
I’m so glad we have a God who yearns to comfort us. There’s a sweet friend at church—and elderly, grandmotherly type, who dispenses hugs with abandon—and I take comfort in her hugs.
Aw, Anita … I love a good hug from someone like that! 🙂
From things you’ve written now and before, your dad sounds like he was so nurturing and full of wisdom, Lois. It’s hard to feel that missing ache in our hearts for our parents, but I feel at the same time as you do that I’m glad they’re with Jesus. It’s such a sad, scary, and confusing time we’re in. Amen to this truth – “The God who holds the whole world in His hand, who goes before us and is with us, who hung the stars in place and keeps the planets in orbit—He alone is our ever-present refuge in time of trouble.” Thank you for encouraging my aching, breaking heart. Love and blessings to you and yours, my friend!
You would have loved my dad, Trudy (and my mom too). 🙂 I’m glad you found encouragement here … I’m thankful for your friendship, especially now! 🙂
I agree, there are some people who give us comfort just by their presence. I’m glad you found that in your dad. One of those people for me when I was growing up was my Great Gran, and although she died when I was 14, I still think of her as someone who made me feel safe. It is reassuring to know that God is always there, our ever-present source of comfort.
That’s wonderful that you had that kind of relationship with your Great Gran, Lesley. I didn’t really know my only grandpa, but I’m so glad my girls got to know all four of their grandparents very well.
One of our former pastors was both firm plus kind and gentle. Because he studied and preached Scripture so thoroughly, I trusted his perspective probably more than any human I’ve known. He had a way of looking at current events or any personal problems through the lens of Scripture and helped us put things in perspective. He’s still very much alive, we moved away from that area 20+ years ago. I’ll still listen to his sermons online sometimes, but it’s not the same as being a part of the congregation. He’s in his later sixties, so he’s probably thinking about retirement someone before long. I can’t think what the world will be like without his voice any more. Then again, one by one most of our former mentors have passed on already. Like you said, it’s hard to think I’m the one that’s supposed to have answers and perspective now. 🙂 But we can point people to the Lord, the only One with the true answers and grace and help.
Thank goodness for that, Barbara. I’m glad you had your former pastor in your in-person life for as long as you did. It is strange to think that we are the ones others look to for wisdom now. I wonder if our mentors ever felt that way too. One more thing I wish I could ask my parents about now …
Lois I love that you found a safe place of comfort during troubling times with your Dad. Not necessarily all the answers, just a place to rest. As moms, I think that is what we have to offer our kids too, a safe haven to pull in, and rest. We will not have all the answers, and sometimes no answers, but we can point them to the One who does. We comfort them with the comfort we receive from our God of all comfort.
“A place to rest” … that’s a wonderful way to describe it, Donna. Hugs, friend.
I’m so thankful our help “comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth,” Lois. We can trust Him to lead and guide us.
I’m thankful for that too, Lisa. 🙂
Lois, I still talk to my dad about world events as the wisdom he brings due to having lived through so much history already brings such a needed perspective. But I am so grateful each conversation concludes with acknowledging that God is the One who holds our times in His hands and is our refuge. I am sure your dad deposited in you a much needed wisdom that is anchoring you still. A definite and long lasting blessing!
I agree, Joanne. 🙂 And what a blessing that you are still able to talk to your dad about world events … I know you don’t take a moment of those conversations for granted.
I’m one who tries to lean on oneself for comfort–“I don’t need anyone!” But that is so not true! Then He brings me to a place where all is left by Him and that is the only place to be, always.
I hear you, Lynn. That’s a hard place to be, but also a good place.
My grandmother represented a safe place for me to land until she died when I was 25 years old.
My Heavenly Father is my comfort since I was 21 & since 25 my safe place to land.
People are great but they can’t be there 24/7 like the Holy Spirit’s comfort is…
Thank you for sharing Lois.
Bless you,
Jennifer
I’m glad you had your grandmother when you were young, Jennifer. And amen about people and the Holy Spirit. 🙂 Hugs friend.
yes, yes. i often have thought how grateful i am that my dad hasn’t been around the last few years. he was an avid C-Span watcher and all this turmoil and tragedy that has fallen on our world would have been so incredibly upsetting and overwhelming for him.
and yes, i miss him. i hear you, friend.
Oh Linda … it’s definitely bittersweet, isn’t it? Hugs, friend.
Love the hymn, Total Praise-“You are the source of my strength. You are the strength of my life…”
Your beautiful post here reminded me of it…
Jan, thank you for reminding ME of “Total Praise” … we used to sing it when I was in a church choir years ago, and it holds a very special place in my heart. 🙂
“My help is from the Lord.”
Let’s not long for lesser comforts.
And I hear your heart — so often I wish for a conversation with my mentor/friend and she has been in heaven for nearly 20 years.
Oh Michele … I can only imagine all the conversations we’ll be able to catch up on when we’re all in heaven together. 🙂