Author

Lois Flowers

What I’m Grateful for this Mother’s Day

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

I’ve thought a lot about what I might want to say in a blog post the week before this particular Mother’s Day. If you’ve been following along here in recent months, you know that I’ve devoted a lot of words to what’s been going on with my mom these past months and how it has impacted my life and my heart.

While I’ve been writing about my mom, though, I’ve also been living my own life as a mom—in a year that held more changes for my girls than most in recent history.

When the academic year began, I was driving Lilly to ballet class nearly every day after school. Now she drives herself home from track practice after school.

Quitting dance was a huge decision for her, one that has allowed her to focus more on academics, spend more time with friends and be more active in her church youth group. And driving has opened up all kinds of freedom and opportunities, including a summer job (her first) that starts in a few weeks.

Continue Reading
24 comments
FacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedinEmail

Sailing Under Sealed Orders

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

When it comes to packing for vacations, my daughter Molly is planner. She makes multiple lists and checks them twice (sometimes more). She plans for every eventuality. If the other members of the family forget something, we automatically turn to her because we know she probably has exactly what we need in her suitcase.

While I have never listed individual pairs of socks on a packing list, I can relate to Molly’s penchant for planning. I like charts and spreadsheets. I like to be prepared, well in advance. As I wrote last week, I like to know what’s coming and what to expect.

This approach is helpful when it comes to getting ready for a big trip or some other expected life event. It certainly made life easier when we were putting together the paperwork for our international adoptions, not to mention each time we went to China to get our daughters.

The problem with this way of doing things, though, is that it can easily morph into rigidity and inflexibility. A person can get so used to having everything planned out that adjusting when those plans change suddenly is extremely stressful, maybe even impossible.

This was certainly true for me, until God accelerated His divine work of stretching in my life.

The last couple of years have been teaching me what it means to drop and roll—to drop what I’m doing and roll with whatever needs to happen next, that is. It hasn’t been easy, and I am still very much a work in progress. But I’ve started to become more comfortable with not knowing what’s around the next corner, to taking things as they come.

What’s happened around here—especially since last summer—reminds me of a military practice I heard of once called “sailing under sealed orders.”

Before leaving port, the captain of a ship is given an envelope that contains a specific set of latitude and longitude coordinates. The ship sails to this spot in the ocean, and then the captain radios the commander for the next set of coordinates. Neither he nor his crew has any idea where they are going; they simply follow orders from point to point until they reach their final destination.

Sound familiar? We might not be sailing Navy ships across a deep blue sea, but spiritually speaking, we’re definitely sailing under sealed orders. As much as we may like to plan the journey of our lives from start to finish—or at least from middle to old age, in my case—that job ultimately belongs to Someone else.

It’s true, what the Book of Proverbs says. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps” (16:19), and, “We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall.” (16:33, NLT)

If you had told me a year ago what parts of my daily schedule would look like now, I would have scratched my head in bewilderment. It’s not that what I do every day is so bizarre or difficult; it’s not. It’s just very different than it used to be in some pretty significant ways—ways that I never could have predicted.

Sailing under sealed orders is no longer military theory to me; it’s become real life. And what I’m learning, as I go from one set of coordinates to another, is that God is faithful. He is infinitely trustworthy. He has a plan—for me, for my loved ones, for the world—that is far more intricate and complex than my little brain could ever comprehend.

Even when I think I’m acting in the best interests of others, my plans are often self motivated and self serving. But God’s plans are perfect. If they were not, they would contradict His very character. Every piece fits together. Every hurt, every pain, every delay and every setback has a place and a purpose.

He doesn’t require that we understand all this, as if that were even humanly possible. He simply asks that we trust Him for the next step.

♥ Lois

What I’m learning, as I go from one set of coordinates to another, is that God is faithful. Share on X God’s plans are perfect. If they were not, they would contradict His very character. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, Coffee for Your Heart, Chasing Community, Faith on Fire, Fresh Market Friday, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.

32 comments
FacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedinEmail

Made to Brave the Unknown (A Guest Post)

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

I never read a novel from front to back. I usually skim the ending first, and then, as I’m going along in the book, I often flip to later chapters so I can see how the situation I’m currently reading about is going to turn out.

This drives my loved ones crazy, but I just want to know what to expect. Good or bad, I like to know how things are going to turn out.

Continue Reading
8 comments
FacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedinEmail

God Goes Before Us

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

On Thanksgiving Day, I sat on the loveseat in my sun-soaked living room and read the final pages of Ann Voskamp’s book, The Broken Way.

As I wrote here, God used Ann’s words to change my heart about my relationship with my mom, wiping away 46 years of expectations and releasing me to focus on how I could love her better.

Right then and there, I decided that I was going to be more intentional about spending time with my parents. A few weeks later, I asked my mom if she would be willing to teach me how to make biscotti, a specialty of hers when I was growing up.

By that time, my dad was doing all the cooking for the two of them. But although Alzheimer’s had already stolen away many of my mom’s short-term memories, she hadn’t forgotten how to make our favorite Italian cookie. And she taught me how to do it—step by careful step.

We made biscotti on three separate occasions. The third time, I finally got it right.

I’d visit my parents during the week while Lilly and Molly were at school. On their days off, I’d bring them with me, and we’d involve my mom in making treats like chocolate-chip cookies and chocolate peanut-butter balls for my dad.

My sister and I brought Easter dinner to my parents’ house that spring, and also a birthday dinner in May to help celebrate both of their birthdays.

I shared last week that I have deep regrets about not doing more and loving my mom better before. But after the accident last June that eventually led her into long-term care, it was comforting to remember the times that we had spent with her at home in the days and weeks before that sad chain of events transpired.

We just never know when we’re going to do something for the last time. The fact that God gave me the wake-up call when He did is tangible evidence of the truth in my favorite Bible verse, Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

God goes before us. He does. We may not know why things happen the way they do, or what God is up to in allowing all the hard things, but we can rest in this truth.

God is always, always, going ahead of us, preparing the way for what is going to happen next. It’s who He is; it’s how He operates.

Sometimes, in His mercy and grace, He gives us glimpses of His activity—sometimes while it’s happening, sometimes after the fact. And sometimes, what you think is an inconvenience or annoyance turns into a gift of grace in retrospect.

In late May, for example, our clothes dryer stopped working. While we were waiting for a part that Randy ordered to come in, I dried our laundry at my parents’ house. I’d take a load of washed clothes over during the day, and then come back in the evening after they were dry to collect them.

A broken appliance is always a hassle, and all the driving back and forth was kind of a pain. But it gave Lilly and me the opportunity to spend a couple of extra evenings at their house the week before my mom’s accident, sitting on the floor in the living room, folding clothes and visiting with my parents.

Then, the day before the accident, the girls and I went over there again so Lilly do some yard work for my dad. I was changing the sheets in my parents’ bedroom when I heard the sounds of talking coming from the living room. I peeked in and saw Molly sitting on the couch with my mom.

My little girl was reading aloud to her grandma from one of the library books she had brought with her that day.

I snuck in to snap a quick picture, then retreated to another part of the house. I’d like to say I sensed something sacred was going on, but that would be a stretch. I simply wanted to capture the sweet sight of the two of them together.

They sat there for almost an hour, with Molly reading and my mom listening. Molly had never done that before, and the fact that she happened to do it on the last day she saw my mom at home before the accident?

Let’s just say that in the coming weeks, when my heart was heavy and my mom’s future uncertain, this memory brought more comfort and peace than almost anything else.

♥ Lois

God is always, always, going ahead of us, preparing the way for what is going to happen next. Share on X Sometimes, what you think is an inconvenience or annoyance turns into a gift of grace in retrospect. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, Coffee for Your Heart, Chasing Community, Faith on Fire, Fresh Market Friday, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.

32 comments
FacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedinEmail

When God Gives You a Chance to Love Better

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2016 (although in retrospect, we can see she had likely been on that path for at least a couple of years).

That summer, she broke her wrist very badly, which really accelerated her decline. Then last June, a bad fall in the shower landed her in the hospital, then rehab, then long-term care.

When I got behind the podium to speak at my church’s Christmas Tea a few months ago, it would have made sense for me to elaborate on how God has answered our prayers for healing, and all the many ways He has made His presence known to our family this past year.

Instead, I felt compelled to talk about the miracle God did in my own heart before my mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis was even confirmed to us. As I wrote last week, the topic didn’t address the tea’s “Home for Christmas” theme exactly how I had envisioned, and not everything I said portrayed me in the best of lights.

But none of that mattered. I knew this was what I had to share.

• • • 

I’ve always had a good relationship with my mom. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t strained—it was fine.

In the 12 years we’ve lived fairly close to my parents, though, I didn’t spend as much time with her as I could or should have. I used to get irritated or frustrated with her about petty things. I didn’t always set a good example for my girls when it came to adult mother-daughter relationships.

In recent years, my interactions with her were marred by a lack of understanding about what was happening to her as well as my long-time expectations of how I wanted her to respond to me and listen to me.

I don’t think this is uncommon among mothers and daughters. I see now that my mom loved me well in ways I either didn’t appreciate or had no feel for at the time.

Even so, after she broke her wrist and her decline became more noticeable, all these thoughts and feelings began to weigh heavily on me. Guilt, regret and anxiety about what was happening to her piled up. I felt helpless and didn’t know how to fix any of it.

The tipping point came around Thanksgiving of that year. As I read Ann Voskamp’s book The Broken Way, lines like this jumped off the pages and landed straight in my heart:

• “The best way to say you love is always time. The best time to love is always now.”

• “This is what dying to live means: You love as much as you are willing to be inconvenienced.”

• “Sometimes it helps in the moment to think: people aren’t being difficult—they are having difficulty.”

I felt something shift in me as I processed these words. It was as if all my expectations of how I wanted my mom to love me simply evaporated, and I just decided I was going to do my best to show love to her.

I can’t explain how this happened, and I can’t take one ounce of credit for it. All I can say is this: When God breaks a chain, it’s a gift of pure grace.

I realize that the healing or restoration of relationships often requires time, forgiveness and maybe even counseling. But I don’t think we have to wait for all this to learn to love differently.

Maybe, instead of clinging to our expectations of how we want the people in our lives to interact with us, we can look around and truly see those people—even the difficult ones—and do our best to make them feel loved and valued.

Sometimes, you don’t know how much someone loves you until all your expectations of what that love should look like are gone. But even if that doesn’t happen, unconditional love (as 1 Corinthians 12:31 describes it) is always the better way.

When I was putting these thoughts on paper in preparation for my talk, I frequently felt totally inadequate and unqualified to share what I felt I was supposed to say. The last thing I wanted to do was put anyone on a guilt trip or fill people with more regret than they already had.

Instead, I somehow wanted to communicate that what God gave me that Thanksgiving Day—and what He offers to us today—is simply this: the opportunity for a fresh start.

We can’t revise the past. We can’t get back any time we’ve wasted. We can’t undo anything that’s been done. We can’t make anyone act a certain way. We can’t fix anyone or bring anyone back.

What we can do, though, is make the most of the time we have now. To repeat Ann Voskamp: “The best way to say you love is always time. The best time to love is always now.”

God is in the business of changing hearts, there’s no doubt about that. But when you let go of your expectations of how you want other people to love you, there’s always the possibility that the heart that changes might not be your loved one’s.

It might be yours.

• • • 

Next week, I’ll explain what happened next, and how God gave us precious opportunities to spend time with my mom during her last few weeks living at home. I hope you come back to read the rest of this story. And if you have a sister or friend who might be encouraged by this post, I’d love for you to share it with her too.

♥ Lois

When God breaks a chain, it’s a gift of pure grace. Share on X Sometimes, you don't know how much someone loves you until all your expectations of what that love should look like are gone. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, Coffee for Your Heart, Chasing Community, Faith on Fire, Fresh Market Friday, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.

37 comments
FacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedinEmail

When God Called and I Didn’t Want to Answer

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

For the last decade or so, I’ve helped organize my church’s annual Christmas Tea.

I’m involved with ticket sales, table decorating and other logistical details, but one of my favorite responsibilities has always been finding someone to give the morning devotional.

Past speakers include a woman whose first husband died unexpectedly, a young mom who lived in Qatar for a few years while her husband was completing an overseas work assignment and a friend of mine who went back to school at age 47 to fulfill her dream of becoming a teacher.

When I think about who to ask each year, I’m drawn to women who have a compelling story and a heart for encouragement. Some say yes right away, some agree after a bit of prayer and thought, and some graciously decline.

I start praying about this process many months in advance, and when people have said no—usually because they prefer not to speak in public—God has always brought along someone else.

Another of my favorite duties is coming up with the theme for the morning. Last year, for example, my mom’s transition to a skilled nursing facility sent my thoughts in a decidedly nostalgic direction, prompting the theme of “Home for Christmas.”

In early September, I asked a friend whose home exudes warmth and coziness if she would speak. She’s declined in the past, but this year, she said she would pray about it.

I took that as a hopeful sign.

Around mid month, she told me didn’t have a clear answer one way or another. She wasn’t ready to rule it out, but she didn’t have the peace that comes when she knows God wants her to do something either.

I told her to give it a few more weeks, but I had a back-up plan. If she said no, I knew exactly who I would ask next.

The last Sunday in September, I decided to check with my friend one last time, even though I was fairly certain what her answer would be. I was pondering my next step in the shower before church when that still, small Voice interrupted my thoughts.

YOU need to speak this year.

Maybe you can imagine my response.

What? No, no, no. That is NOT what I had in mind. How could I ask myself to speak? I have no energy for this. My life is stressful enough as it is right now. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to steal the limelight. Ugh.

Despite my inner protestations, I was pretty sure where this was going to end up. As odd as it might sound, my reluctance actually served as confirmation for my conflicted heart. I know myself pretty well, and if I had been jumping at the chance to take the microphone, I would have had good reason to question my motives.

My friend said no, just as I expected. And the other members of the tea committee—dear women who are very familiar with my parents’ situation—agreed that I needed to speak.

My backup plan went back on the shelf, and I started thinking about how to approach the theme in my talk. It had been easy to imagine my friend talking about seasonal nostalgia and the joy of opening our homes around the holidays, but I sensed I needed to dig deeper.

Memories of Christmas at home led to thoughts of my mom, which led to thoughts about our relationship. It didn’t relate much to the season—at least not on the surface—but I soon realized that God was prompting me to talk about how my relationship with my mom had changed in the last few years.

This was a vulnerable topic for me, one that would showcase some of my deepest regrets. But there was no getting away from it.

If I had any doubts about the direction I was going, they were allayed by how I felt in the weeks leading up to the tea. At times, I felt like I was engaged in spiritual battle. Emotional struggles from years past reared their ugly heads and hit me square in the face. I found myself dragging around from one thing to another—tired and worn.

More than once I wished I could just tell the women’s ministry director I couldn’t do it and forget the whole thing. But I couldn’t leave my own tea committee in that kind of a bind, so I pushed forward.

Strengthened by the support of praying friends, I finalized my talk about a week before the tea. When I practiced my words out loud, even the parts that were supposed to be funny made me cry. When I presented it to Randy, I had to stop several times to compose myself and blow my nose.

I figured I would be a complete mess up there behind the podium, but I took this as a good sign. If my words were affecting me this way, I couldn’t help but think they might resonate with someone else.

• • •

Next Tuesday, I’ll share the first of two blog posts that I’ve adapted from my tea talk. I’d love for you to join me!

♥ Lois

When I practiced my Christmas Tea talk out loud, even the parts that were supposed to be funny made me cry. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Fresh Market Friday, #TellHisStory, Coffee for Your Heart, Recharge Wednesday, Faith on Fire, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.

16 comments
FacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedinEmail