What advice would you have for your 20-years-younger self? What is one bit of encouragement you’d give a mom with small children?
Questions like these came to mind as I sat on the floor in my basement family room, surrounded by a pile of baby outfits. Each dress, sweater and sleeper held sweet memories of my girls wearing them and the friends who gave them to us.
My goal was to reduce the amount of stuff in the storage bins, but it’s hard to be efficient and productive when such poignant family history is involved.
Lilly and Molly were nine months and 13 months old when we adopted them, so we skipped the very tiny sizes—the earliest stage of infant life when they might have slept in a bassinet on a restaurant table while Randy and I caught a quiet dinner together. (Actually, I’m not sure if this ever happens in real life, but if it does, we missed it.)
Instead, we became parents of little humans who were squirmy and engaged and brimming with personality from the day we met them.
I think back to the older friends I had during those days, the ones to whom I looked for counsel and help about how to mother these precious girls we had waited and prayed for so earnestly.
I don’t recall asking these wise women questions like the ones I thought of as I sat among the baby clothes. What I remember, mostly, is that they listened to me. They shared stories from their own lives. They assured me that I was doing a good job, even when I was certain I was not.
This was largely in the days before social media. Facebook was barely getting started, and Instagram influencer encouragement (as I call like to it) wasn’t a thing yet.
As a mom of babies, preschoolers and grade schoolers, I mostly developed relationships with other women at ladies’ Bible studies, church choir practice, MOPs, even waiting for the dismissal bell near the door of the elementary school.
Most of these people are not part of my daily life anymore, but I am thankful for the friends God gave me in each one of those seasons.
Here’s the thing, though. While there may be fewer opportunities for moms to have organized connection as our kids get older, our longing for friendship and understanding doesn’t go away when they enter middle school, when they become teenagers and especially when they go away to college.
The need for wisdom and counsel seems to grow greater too. I’ve probably started a sentence with, “What did you do when your girls …?” more times in the last year than I ever have in my life.
I’m learning firsthand that parenting older teens and young adults (and, I’m guessing, middle-aged adults too) takes a different sort of energy than parenting younger children. Not to mention a different sort of prayer—one that increasingly relies on God’s sovereign guidance in our children’s lives as our own influence becomes less directive and (hopefully) more encouraging.
The intense season of helping my own aging parents, followed by all those months of Covid shutting everything down, have reduced my world significantly. The amount of in-person connection I’ve had in recent years has been far less than it was when I was younger.
I’m OK with this, but I’ve always believed it would not be permanent.
Molly is a senior. We have one year left and then she’ll be off to college, Lord willing.
Now—more than ever—the question looms large: What next?
In my writing. In my interactions with other women, including those younger than myself. In other areas of life that I’m not even thinking about right now.
As I ponder all this in my heart, it seems more and more fitting that dawn is my word for 2022.
In the natural world, dawn isn’t instantaneous. Slowly, the sky changes until the sun finally clears the horizon and all the beautiful colors dissipate. It takes some time, but it’s also easy to miss if we’re not paying attention.
It’s the same with this kind of life transition, I think. It’s not here yet, but it will be here before we know it.
I don’t want to sound like an inspirational cliché, but I really do want to make the most of Molly’s senior year, even as I trust God to help me prepare for the empty nest.
Which is why I’m even more thankful for the example of the women in my life today who have gone this way before me. I haven’t asked any of them what they’d tell me, at this stage of my parenting life. But maybe I will. I know I’ll be encouraged by their answers.
• • •
If you have adult children, what words of wisdom do you wish someone had shared with you when you were nearing your empty nest? If your season of life is closer to mine, what is your greatest challenge, concern or joy about it?
♥ Lois
When my girls were small, my older friends listened to me and assured me that I was doing a good job, even when I was certain I was not. Click To Tweet As moms, our longing for friendship and understanding doesn’t go away when our children enter middle school, when they become teenagers and especially when they go away to college. Click To TweetP.S. I’m linking up this week with OneWord2022, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.
22 comments
Pray them through!
I adopted in my 50’s. My son just turned 24. His last year of high school was rather daunting but I always say I prayed him though!
Wow, Jan … adopting in your 50s must have been quite an experience! I love your advice too … “pray them through.”
Your reflections here are so profound Lois. I couldn’t agree more that as our children grow we need even more counsel and support-even beyond college! For I feel the relationship is continually changing and growing, and support from others on the journey is invaluable.
I also appreciate the way you wove your One Word “dawn” into the narrative of change. Truly the thing I love most about the arrival of dawn is the slow transition from night to day, nothing harsh, just a gentle movement into the beauty of a new day. I know God has something special for you sweet friend in the dawning of a new season for you!
Good morning, Donna! I love that about dawn too. And thank you so much for your encouraging words … about my coming season AND parenting young adult children. There are so many unknowns, which makes trusting God and doing the next right even more important, I suppose! 🙂
I read this post earlier this week, but then closed it to think about it. I do remember those early years and how often God brought someone along in the course of life and church with just the right comment I needed that day. I’m a book person and tried to read a lot about parenting (especially not coming from a Christian home). But I wish I had talked more and asked questions more of older women. There was opportunity to talk with peers (our church then had a very nice nursing mothers room, and that and the nursery provided lots of opportunities to ask other moms what they did about this or that). But most of us didn’t have confidence or feel like we knew what we were doing. 🙂
When all my sons were approaching leaving the nest, I had this almost panicky feeling of “Did I teach them everything I should have? Are they ready to function in the world as adults?” But there’s not much opportunity to actively teach them when they are older, between school, work, church activities, etc. With both my older boys, it seemed they were gone suddenly. With my youngest, I did take some time to talk about a few things before he moved out.
The one thing I wish I had done more as they were growing up was sharing on a personal level what God was doing in my life and what my relationship with Him meant to me. I wanted them to know right doctrine and be protected from falsehood, which is right and good. But I also wanted Christianity to be personal and not just cultural to them.
A lot does change with our kids as young adults. We go from actively teaching to advising or suggesting, but even that has to be done sparingly. I try to pray much before saying anything, if I do say anything. And if I do, I approach topics with “what worked for me” rather than “I think you should…”
They’ve surprised me in many ways. It’s been enjoyable and eye-opening to see my middle son become a husband and a dad.
As Michele said, I was very surprised that, with the nest empty and my m-i-l gone, I ended up not having the extra time I thought I would. I’m in the process of trying to evaluate where it’s going and how to use it better.
The senior year is such a fun time. I hope it’s great for all of you.
(I’m sorry my comments take up SO much space!)
Barbara, I sometimes have that same panicky feeling with Molly. 🙂 I so appreciate your words about wishing you had shared more on a personal level with your sons about what God was doing in your life. Now that you mention it, I think I would have benefited from that with both of my own parents, but I don’t know if I would have wanted to hear it when I was a teenager. “What worked for me … ” is a phrase I need to remember as my girls get older–and also praying before I say anything at all. And please don’t apologize for the length of your comments–I always enjoy and learn from what you have to share!
So grateful for women in seasons ahead of me like you, Lois, who give godly advice. Thanks for being an example of also receiving godly advice!
Aw … you’re very welcome. I’m so glad we can learn from each other, at any age.
Your girls are so beautiful, Lois. I remember how tiring those early years were with young kids. But while those years may have been hard on the body, they were easier on the soul than when children are teens and young adults. As we hand over control to them, their decisions they have to make are more monumental the older they get. I think you’re prioritizing correctly to make the most of Molly’s senior year!
I hear your heart, Lisa. We hope for the best and trust that in the end, God will direct them in the way that they should go. But the actual process is quite an emotional roller-coaster at times, isn’t it?
Lois, this is beautiful. I especially loved this paragraph:
In the natural world, dawn isn’t instantaneous. Slowly, the sky changes until the sun finally clears the horizon and all the beautiful colors dissipate. It takes some time, but it’s also easy to miss if we’re not paying attention.
That’s exactly how things often happen. My children range from 45 to 54 and they do take a different kind of energy (one I’m less able to keep up with 🙂 ). And I’m enjoying grandchildren and great-grands. Not sure how that all happened. But it does. Just enjoy each season.
Thank you for the kind words and thoughtful perspective, Donna. How many great-grands do you have? 🙂 It’s hard for me to imagine my girls at 45, but I’m guessing they’ll get there before I know it.
Your girls are so precious, Lois. It’s not easy as we go through the transitions of life, is it? Some expected and some unexpected. Yes, I do believe there is a different sort of prayer as our children get older —”one that increasingly relies on God’s sovereign guidance in our children’s lives.” When I worry, I have to again and again give those burdens over to God and trust Him even when things don’t look good. Also for our grandkids. Love and blessings to you!
The verse about casting our cares upon the Lord because He cares for us has been going through my head a lot lately, Trudy. Rather than give God an outline of how to fix everything, I’m trying to simply tell Him what I’m concerned about. I’m not very good at this, I can tell you that much. But He is faithful, even when we are not. And I’m very grateful for that! Hugs, friend.
I am so resonating with ‘What’s Next?’ And it seems like soon after we ease into that next season yet another ‘What’s Next?’ comes along.
Maybe we’re always transitioning, we just don’t know it?
I think you’re right, Linda. Has it always been this way, or do we just notice it more because of how time seems to be rushing by? (Or is that just me?) 🙂
I cherished notions of a slower life when my kids left the nest, but was I ever wrong! I guess my advice would be to brace yourself for more activity that comes from outside your present circle. We have gone from 6 souls to 15 now! So much blessing, and so many unforeseen details!
Six to 15 is quite a jump, Michele! So grateful for your willingness to share what it’s been like for you so that others can learn from your experiences.
Lois, those precious baby faces – the girls were, and are, beautiful! My children and married and have children of their own, and I am still constantly praying for them.
These life seasons, especially the covid season, brought about many changes and some I have not liked. May God show us each how to navigate the many changes each season brings, both for ourselves and for our families. {{Hugs}}
Aw, Joanne … thank you for your kind words. And amen to your prayerful thought at the end .. I’m so thankful that God goes before us and is with us, come what may. As my Aunt Catherine always used to say, “I’m hugging you hard,” my friend.
Thank you for sharing out loud what so many women are thinking. Even as a parent of thirty-something sons, I long for friendships. Covid messed with all of us and took away the closeness that comes with meeting in person.
Some of the best advice as your girls grow older is to listen, listen, listen. As parents we asked all the questions when they were younger and expected answers. Now we need to be available because they will let us know when they want to talk. It’s a paradigm shift and one I am still getting used to as a fixer.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughtful wisdom, Mary. I’m thinking about my girls as I type … one is a verbal processor and the other one typically isn’t, except when she is! It will be interesting to see how much they’ll “need” to talk when they are out on their own. I’m a fixer too, so the paradigm shift you mention is one I will need to adjust to as well.