Author

Lois Flowers

A Tender Conversation about Grief, Encouragement and Peace

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Blogger Linda Stoll talks about reaching out to others with no hidden agenda and how God’s presence provides stability during the hardest transitions. Plus, what to do when we want to go to bed and stay there until 2024. ~

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself…’” ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

This kind of friendship can develop over cups of coffee, side by side on the walking trail and even in the comment section of a blog. Today, I’m happy to be joined by Linda Stoll, a fellow-blogger-turned-friend who has been nurturing community in the blogosphere since 2008.

A retired Christian counselor, Linda lives with her husband on Cape Cod, Mass. She is passionate about her faith in Jesus and her six grandchildren—she describes “cheering them on from afar and banging on heaven’s door for their needs” as her most important work.

She recently moved her online home to Substack, where her Grace and Space newsletter lives up to its promise of being “a calm haven where you might catch your breath and be refilled.”

Our blogging paths first crossed in 2015, I think. Since then, Linda has become a wonderful source of encouragement in my life.

Today, you get to peek in on an email exchange we had over the last few weeks. Rather than give her a whole list of questions, I started with one—pulled directly from my life at the moment—and let the conversation flow from there.

It was a fun way to do an interview, and I hope you are as blessed by her thoughtful responses as I’ve been.

• • •

LOIS: We went to Spain the week before Thanksgiving and came home with Covid. I haven’t been able to exercise for a week, and the lack of endorphins is starting to wear on me. I probably won’t feel this way after a nice warm shower, but right now I want to quit everything—writing, blogging, Instagram community, housekeeping, you name it.

To add insult to injury, my husband, who has Covid too, can’t taste anything, so neither of us have had dessert in more than a week.

I know God is with me. I know this too shall pass. But part of me also wants to go back to bed and stay there until 2024.

If you were sitting across the table from me right now, what would you tell me?

LINDA: Oh gosh, Lois, I am so sorry. Covid is such a beast and what a disappointment after that long-awaited trip. I don’t blame you for wanting to toss everything right out the window. Sure makes sense to me.

Please take the pressure off yourself to try to do business as usual. All those things you’re talking about can wait. I like what you said about a nice warm shower.

No need to plan out the week or the month. Maybe just one half day at a time? A hope-full question to consider—“how can I be kind to myself?”

I hope you can get outside for a simple 5-minute walk. The fresh air and even a bit of movement invites those endorphins to come out of hiding.

And yes please to a little dessert. And doing whatever brings peace to your soul. He meets us with a quiet kindness in these desolate places. He whispers, “Peace, be still.”

LOIS: Aw, Linda … your words are a balm for me, as they have been to so many others over the years. Tell me, has encouragement—especially via the written word—always come so naturally for you?

LINDA: Right off the top I’ll say, “No way.” I am by nature self-absorbed, a glass half-full person, a whiner. I own that. So anything good I am or have to offer is only because of God’s grace working overtime in my life.

It might sound pious but it’s the truth.

All that said, I do believe that we often give to others what we inwardly crave for ourselves. It’s not at all a conscious thing. But if our love language is words of affirmation, it’d be no surprise that we offer encouragement, sometimes lavishly, in order to get our own yearnings met.

My mom had a huge ministry of encouragement via the written word … cards, notes, poems. These beautifully crafted little masterpieces faithfully arrived in mailboxes for many years and impacted countless people with the gentle, lovingkindness of Jesus.

Again, it’s only when we find our identity and deepest needs met in Christ that we can reach out to others with no hidden agenda.  Praise God that He does this for us as we open ourselves to His endless love.

LOIS: My mom had the same kind of ministry as yours, though it’s one of many things about her that I didn’t fully appreciate until well after she died. Are there things about your mom or dad that you have come to appreciate more since they went to heaven?

LINDA: This sounds awful, but I can’t say that there’ve been any new revelations. I spent a lot of time with Mom in her final years and there were long, hard stretches in there to reflect, process, and deepen my appreciation for their lives, their faith, their legacies.

It was an exhausting season filled with a deeply felt anticipatory grief that drained me dry but left me with no regrets.

LOIS: I don’t think that sounds awful, Linda—what a huge blessing to have no regrets. I always expected to lose my parents like you did; first one, then the other years later. Instead, they died within five weeks of each other, after an intense and unexpected season of decline.

I’ve often wondered why it had to happen this way for our family, and the answer always comes from the Narnia quote hanging above my kitchen sink: “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”

What do those powerful words mean to you, at this time of your life?

LINDA: I’ve learned that the story God has written for me is uniquely mine. No need to compare, be envious or judge where another soul finds herself. When all is said and done, I am confident that He judges justly with lovingkindness and great wisdom. All will be well. This truth gives me a lovely peace.

LOIS: That kind of peace is truly what anchors us during life’s devastating storms, isn’t it? If I’m remembering correctly, your father died suddenly shortly after you moved to be closer to your parents. How did that experience change you? Did working through the shock and loss prepare you at all for what the coming years held (the pandemic, your mom’s slow decline and death, etc.)?

LINDA: Dad died the day after we moved from New York to Cape Cod. Although he wasn’t in the best of health, it was sudden and unexpected. In fact, we had made the quick decision to move here because his mind was getting a bit fuzzy and we wanted to live nearer to them.

It was like he said, “OK, God, they’re here now—Mom’s in good hands,” and he keeled over as he was cleaning up the kitchen after a steak dinner. Really. When we saw his body a few hours later in the hospital, I remember crying out, “But Daddy, we just got here.” I thought we’d have a longer season with him.

Yes, it was a shock and a terrific loss.

I learned a whole lot about transitions during the months that followed. The move from New York after living there for 38 years. Leaving long-time friends and the counseling ministry I loved. Acclimating to a new way of life, a different culture, trying to fit in at church. And then our little grandson died suddenly.

But that’s a whole other story and not mine to tell. Bottom line is that I’ve lost eight loved ones in the eight years we’ve lived here. The cost to my emotional health has been high, but God has remained ever-present and faithful to me through anxiety and depression and everything that came with the grieving and the pandemic and all the things.

I’ve learned that He is the Redeemer of all our sorrows and specializes in restoring “the years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2). The work I’ve been able to do in the last few years has been rich, joyful and rewarding. Writing online and ministry at church have saved my life. I find myself in a sweet spot in this season. I’m grateful.

LOIS: I’m grateful too, Linda … for your writing ministry and your friendship. Thanks for sharing your heart with us today.

• • •

Friends, if you’ve been encouraged by Linda’s story, feel free to leave her a message in the comments. She shares powerfully about grief in this post. And be sure to check out more of her writing at her new online home, Grace and Space. You’ll be glad you did.

♥ Lois

It’s only when we find our identity and deepest needs met in Christ that we can reach out to others with no hidden agenda. ~ Linda Stoll Share on X I’ve learned that the story God has written for me is uniquely mine. No need to compare, be envious or judge where another soul finds herself. ~ Linda Stoll Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

Photos provided by Linda Stoll

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When Going through the Motions is the Best Way Forward

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Even though we can’t spot measurable growth, we still might be making progress. Keep reading to discover when going through the motions isn’t just OK, it’s necessary. ~

I feel like I’m just going through the motions. 

Perhaps you’ve heard people say this about a relationship, their work or their spiritual lives. Perhaps you’ve even said it yourself.

Chances are, it was presented as a negative. If you’re going through the motions, something is wrong, right?

Not Necessarily

There are scenarios when going through the motions, especially when it’s long-term and habitual, is not a healthy way of living. Like in a marriage, when husband and wife are like two ships passing in the night, day after day.

But there are other circumstances when going through the motions isn’t just OK, it’s necessary. Take physical therapy, for example. It involves literally going through specific prescribed motions to heal from injury, strengthen muscles and relearn vital movements.

Any kind of exercise involves repetitive motion, in fact. I think of this quite often when I’m running in the summer.

Step by Step

I don’t look forward to stepping out into the Kansas heat and humidity several mornings a week. As sweat pours down my face, I want to give up with every slogging step.

But I force my legs to keep going through the motions. And before I know it, I’m back at home. I might hate it while I’m doing it, but it’s good for me, so I keep after it.

We’d never criticize anyone else for going through the motions while exercising. So let’s not be too hard on ourselves when it feels like we’re doing the same in other parts of life.

A Spiritual Lifeline

Different seasons bring different feelings and challenges. Those of us who are naturally routine oriented often have to become more flexible so we can go with the flow when our plans are disrupted.

Sometimes, though, going through the motions is the only source of stability we might have. Even when it comes to our spiritual lives.

Prayer and Bible reading shouldn’t feel like drudgery all the time, but they do take effort and commitment. There’s a reason they’re called spiritual disciplines, not spiritual fun.

A Holy Example

Praying for the same needs and concerns day after day might get old to us, but if the words come from the heart, what’s the problem? When Jesus was teaching His disciples to pray, He didn’t say, “OK, guys, here’s a sample prayer but you have to change it up every week so it doesn’t get stale.”

No, He said, “You should pray like this,” and proceeded to share what we know of as the Lord’s Prayer (see Matthew 6:9-13). We’d be hard pressed to find a collection of words that have been offered in prayer more than this model petition.

The Jewish people repeated many prayers from the scriptures during various holidays, festivals and daily rituals. Repetition didn’t diminish their power or importance; it reinforced it.

The Heart of the Matter

What’s the difference between sincere repetition and going through the motions, spiritually speaking? Either is better than nothing, I think. But motivation is at the root.

We live in an emotionally based world, but long-term relationships—including our relationship with Jesus—aren’t built on emotion. If you sincerely desire to spend time with God but believe those moments have become rote or stagnant, don’t lose heart.

Even when we feel like we’re just going through the motions, we’re still moving. Even when we can’t spot measurable growth, we’re still making progress.

The faith muscles we’re developing in these dry seasons will serve us well later—we can be sure of that. So let’s keep going—one step at a time, one day at a time, one prayer at a time.

♥ Lois

We'd never criticize anyone else for going through the motions while exercising. So let’s not be too hard on ourselves when it feels like we’re doing the same in other parts of life. Share on X Even when we feel like we’re just going through the motions, we’re still moving. Even when we can’t spot measurable growth, we’re still making progress. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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Offer Your Best and Let God Do the Rest

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: If your assignment feels impossible and success seems unlikely, do what you know to do and trust God with the outcome. ~

The message came in that quiet way that makes me sit up and pay attention.

Put your offering on the altar.

I’d been pondering the impossibility of a project, mentally bemoaning the difficulty of the outcome I hoped for. But the message was clear. I’m supposed to do my part, and when I release it to wherever it goes, the result is out of my hands.

It’s not just out of my hands, of course. It’s in the hands of Elohim, our Creator God, who hung the stars in their places and is always doing a new thing (Isaiah 43:19).

When we place something on the altar, we’re giving it up to Him, to be consumed how He deems best.

Our Role

We are responsible for offering our first fruits—the best of what we have, of what we can do. But, contrary to what we often think, we are not responsible for providing the fire.

We can rub all sorts of sticks together, metaphorically speaking, hoping for a spark that will burst into a roaring flame. But that’s not our job.

We bring the sacrifice; God provides the flame.

Obstacles

It can be difficult to know what constitutes our best. And where the altar is. And when to lay it down, finally.

Resistance rears its ugly head in many forms. Doubt and fear trip us up. Comparison and the possibility of rejection make us think we’re better off not even trying.

But whatever our offering is—a book we’re writing, a ministry opportunity, a new blog or newsletter, a service we hope to offer, some kind of curriculum, etc.—at some point, we need to take the next step.

To place it on the altar and see what God has planned.

What Now?

I don’t know what offering you might need to put on the altar as 2023 draws to a close. My guess is that it’s something different for each of us, and that we each have our own set of apprehensions about what might happen when we finally put it out there.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, though. So whatever it looks like, let’s lay our offerings down together, trusting that He who has begun a good work in us will not fail to complete it.

♥ Lois

We can rub all sorts of sticks together, hoping for a spark that will burst into a roaring flame. But that’s not our job. We bring the sacrifice; God provides the flame. Share on X When we place something on the altar, we’re giving it up to God, to be consumed how He deems best. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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How God Comforts and Provides as Seasons Change

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: What a bumper crop of hedge apples tells us about seasons of life, how death doesn’t get the final word, when closed doors help us walk by faith, and a powerful quote about contentment. ~

For the last several weeks, it’s been raining Osage oranges in my backyard.

I go out on the weekend and gather them all up, and by the following Saturday, the patio is covered again.

It’s not always like this. Some years, the trees that produce what are commonly known as hedge apples drop relatively few of their fruits in the fall.

This year, however, they produced a bumper crop even while many of the other plants and evergreens in the yard—mostly chosen specifically for their drought tolerance, by the way—struggled to thrive in the dry conditions.

I have no idea why this is, but my metaphor-loving mind can’t escape the irony.

Ebb and Flow

With Osage orange trees and in our actual lives, seasons ebb and flow. Some are marked by growth, others by decline or stagnation. Some are full of joyful abundance, while others overflow with stress, busyness or grief.

Just this past week, we passed the two-year mark of my father-in-law’s death, a friend’s husband died unexpectedly and I heard of a sad diagnosis in another friend’s family.

Combine those personal experiences of grief and sadness with what is going on in the world, and it seems as if death is having the final word these days.

And Yet, It’s Not

Near the end of the week, something my dad said during a family crisis was circulating in my heart. I shared a few thoughts about it on Instagram at Remembering Our Parents, and it seems fitting to share it here too.

A few years before my mom died, she experienced a medical emergency with a very uncertain outcome. I’ll spare you the details; let’s just say both her quality of life and her life itself were hanging in the balance.

Early on, when receiving dire information from doctors and social workers, I heard my dad say this more than once: “I don’t know how you feel about these things, but we’re Christians, and we don’t believe that death is the end.”

Despite the intensity of the situation, he was kind and calm, steadfast and full of conviction. Watching him taught me more about faith and how to respond in a crisis than I’d ever learned before.

By the time it was my turn to be in his seat, making medical decisions and hearing sad news about either one of my parents, it just seemed natural to share what we believed about God’s sovereignty and timing, as well as the assurance I had that I would see them again.

I wouldn’t have been able to speak like that had I not listened as my dad did it before me.

When God Provides

Speaking of Remembering Our Parents, it’s still very new, so I’m always looking for ways to get the word out about it. This is slow going, and sometimes gets discouraging.

Even so, as I wrote last week, when a door closes, that too is an answer. When we get a no, we can mark that possibility off the list and move on.

More than anything, this girl who likes to plan way ahead is learning that God provides when the need arises. Not necessarily ahead of time, from our perspective, but always on time, from His.

This isn’t always comfortable, but it does teach us to walk by faith.

If your mom or dad is no longer with us, I’d love for you to check out @RememberingOurParents on Instagram. Follow along, and consider sharing a brief memory about your parent this holiday season. You can find all the details, including a user-friendly submission form, right here.

Our stories matter, and that includes our stories about our beloved parents.

One Final Thought

As we move into the holiday season, Pastor Colin Smith of Open the Bible offers some powerful guidance about how to foster contentment in any season of life:

“Make more of your joys than you do of your sorrows. Make more of your gains than you do of your losses,” he writes. “Do this in your thinking, in your speaking, and even in your praying, and you will grow in contentment.”

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! I’ll see you back here in a few weeks.

♥ Lois

I don’t know how you feel about these things, but we’re Christians, and we don’t believe that death is the end. Share on X God provides when the need arises. Not necessarily ahead of time, from our perspective, but always on time, from His. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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Do You Want God to Tell You What’s Next?

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Listening when God says stop, examining our motives before we post and moving forward without a detailed plan. ~

Has God ever spoken to you directly? Not in an audible voice, but in a way that you knew it was Him?

I can’t say with 100 percent certainty that this has happened to me, but I think it has.

I’ve been pondering this because right now I’d really love a direct message from God about what I’m supposed to do next. I hear a little voice in my mind that sounds good, but then I think, maybe that’s just me.

When It’s Not Just Me

I go back to those few times when it seemed as if God spoke, and I notice a few commonalities. I remember where I was. And each time, it was a sense that I was supposed to not do something or stop doing something.

Don’t write about that.

Don’t say that.

Stop that.

Never a step-by-step plan of how to proceed, or even a single next step.

Here’s an Example

Earlier this year, I was tossing clothes in the dryer and thinking about daughter Molly’s upcoming high school graduation. As I often do, I started writing in my head—about how sparse my resume is because I’ve mostly “just” been a stay-at-home mom all these years, and whether I made a mistake by not doing more professionally during that time.

I hadn’t gotten very far with this train of thought when I heard the still, small Voice—loud and clear over the laundry room noise. You’re not going to write that.

(By the way, this happened right after I had Covid, when the illness and accompanying inability to exercise had plunged me into an uncharacteristic mental funk.)

I Heeded the Message

I knew my thoughts were coming from a place of insecurity, so they needed to be filtered through the lens of truth and reality before they could ever be turned into words on a page (or a screen).

You see, over the years I’ve learned how important it is to pay attention to the motivation behind my writing. When an idea flows from a desire for validation or affirmation, for example, I need to proceed with caution, if at all.

On the other hand, if I simply wish to encourage others—even when I need the same words of encouragement myself—I’m usually OK to keep going.

Stop That!

A “stop-doing-that” divine directive came early in my blogging days, when I was slightly obsessed with pageviews, subscribers and comments. (Perhaps you’ve already guessed that this, too, was largely driven by an unhealthy need for affirmation.)

I had just gotten out of the shower one morning when this message filtered through my mind and heart: Quit looking at the stats.

Once again, I listened. Except for a period last fall when I took a blogging class that proved not to be very helpful, I’ve mostly stayed away from the stats page.

Checking Our Hearts

I’m not suggesting other bloggers follow my example in this, especially if they want to grow their audience. But I would encourage all of us who post anywhere—Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Substack, etc.—to examine our motivations before we ever share a single word.

Are we trying scratch an itch that should really be soothed by a friend, loved one or perhaps even the Holy Spirit? If so, it might be better to hold off on the post for a while, or forever.

Over time, my need for external validation has lessened as I’ve grown more comfortable and confident in God’s design and ways of working in my life. Which brings me back to my original conundrum: When is He going to tell me what to do next?

Maybe you’re asking a similar question. Based on past experience, I only have one answer for both of us.

Stop worrying about what’s next and focus on what’s now.

Now What?

I don’t know about you, but there’s a whole to-do list of work sitting in a notebook on my kitchen island, just waiting to be tackled.

Some of it may lead to other work, some of it may not. Doors might slam shut tight, while perhaps one or two will open.

At some point, that still small Voice may let us know it’s time to stop, to let it go, to move on to something else.

But we won’t know unless we complete what’s right in front of us, will we?

Good News

As we think about potential rejection, let’s remember that no is a perfectly good answer.

Sure, it might sting and disappoint for a while. But if we hold our plans and dreams loosely—though not so loosely we let them slip away entirely—and pray for God’s will to be done regarding each one, each time we get a no we can mark that off our list and trust that He has something else in mind for us.

Dealing with possible future rejection isn’t our assignment for today, though.

Time’s a wastin. Let’s get busy and see what happens.

♥ Lois

Pay attention to the motivation behind your writing. When an idea flows from a desire for validation or affirmation, proceed with caution, if at all. Share on X When we post on social media, are we trying scratch an itch that should really be soothed by a friend, loved one or perhaps even the Holy Spirit? Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

Photo by Esther Ware.

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Drought, Divine Preparation and God’s Good Gifts

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: It might look like drought to us, but what if it’s also God’s way of helping us let go? Plus some link love to help celebrate a non-milestone birthday. ~

It’s so dry, even the weeds are dying.

That was my first thought as I dragged the hose around my neglected flower bed a few weeks ago. It’s fall, so we should have been getting rain here in Kansas. At the time, though, the dryness of the last several seasons showed no sign of leaving, discouraging the heart of this low-maintenance gardener to no end.

(I water newly planted perennials, of course, but drought tolerance is high on my list of non-negotiable characteristics when I make additions to my garden areas.)

Thankfully, the rain finally came last week. But even now as I look around—at my formerly thriving hosta patch, at the stunted foliage of my beloved Siberian irises, at a puny cluster of peonies that originated in the rich soil of my childhood home—I can’t help but wonder.

Deep in my heart, where God seems to prepare the soil of my life long before I’m aware of it, is this the start of the letting go?

God’s Good Gifts

We’ve lived here since 2011. It’s been a great house, and an even better home.

I love the kitchen we remodeled a few years ago, the home theater Randy designed in the basement, the numerous garden patches, all the built-in bookshelves.

But now that both daughters are in college, we’re not tied to this location anymore. Randy dreams of a house with a detached shop. I long for a place with a view—maybe where I can see the sunrise out one window and the sunset out of another. (I know such homes exist because my mother-in-law lives in one.)

I’m content where I am, but I’ve been praying for our next place for a long time. Which is why I noticed what children’s author and editor Amanda Cleary Eastep wrote on Instagram recently. “I once asked God for a small patch of woods,” she said. “Sweetly answered.”

Her words remind me that God loves to give His children good gifts, when they align with His good will for their lives. So I will continue to pray, trusting that He will lead us to our next place if and when the time is right.

Link Love

In the meantime, I have a birthday coming up in a few days. To celebrate, I thought I’d share some blog posts that have struck various chords with me lately.

First up, “The Size of Your God is More Important Than the Size of Your Strength” by Michele Morin.

She writes: “When the weight of my own small assignment bears down and I feel the excuses begin to bubble up, I’m learning to let truth inform my feelings.”

I relate to many of Lisa Brittain thoughts in “It’s Why I Write.”

“Loss is normal in this broken world,” she says. “My solace, and my sanity, is that my name is carved upon His hands. I will not be a known writer on earth. It doesn’t matter. I write so He can help me sort and throw out thoughts and feelings that are not of Him.”

Randy and I have been married almost two decades longer than my sweet friend Ashley Rowland, but I appreciated her perspectives in “11 Simple Things I’ve Learned in 11 Years of Marriage.”

“We agree on all kinds of issues, which is wonderful to have in a marriage,” she writes. “But then there all kind of differences, too. Whether it’s our personalities or preferences or opinions, differences are also important. With our differences, we cover more ground.”

Finally, in honor of my birthday, I’ll end with a piece by Tim Challies titled “No Fear of Old Age.”

“Old age is the crescendo, the climax, the denouement,” Challies says. “It is the beautiful and powerful ending to something precious, something wondrous. It is no more to be dreaded than the final chapter of a great story, no more to be feared than the closing film of a trilogy.”

• • •

Let me know if any of those posts resonate with you too. Also, I’m not hitting a milestone age this year. But if you have any words of wisdom for someone who’s about to turn 53, feel free to share them in the comments.

♥ Lois

Deep in my heart, where God seems to prepare the soil of my life long before I’m aware of it, is this the start of the letting go? Share on X God loves to give His children good gifts, when they align with His good will for their lives. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Sweet Tea & Friends, Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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