Unless we happen to die first, every one of us will lose our parents. While some experience this at an early age, many of us are middle-aged or older when we say those final good-byes—first to one parent, then the other.
Whether it’s sudden or comes after a long season of heart-breaking decline, the loss of an elderly parent might not be as life-altering as the death of a spouse or child. It certainly doesn’t get as much attention—not in books, not on the Internet and social media, and not even in personal conversations.
But it’s a profound experience, nonetheless.
If you are here, on this page right now, you may know this already. Mom, dad, stepparent, parent-in-law—whoever you loved and lost, I feel your sadness and I’m sorry.
Common Ground
No two losses are the same. The way we process our grief varies greatly, depending on factors such as the kind of relationships we had with our parents and whether they shared our faith.
And yet, despite these differences, we do have things in common. We have similar experiences, questions and emotions, even many years later.
This is one reason I decided to write through the sad decline and loss of both my parents in the spring of 2019. And now, for the first time, I’ve gathered these posts together in one place.
Some represent real life in real time, while others are more reflective. I’ve grouped them in loose categories and included short summaries so you can see what each one entails.
Notes from a Hard Road
This is not a comprehensive guide to grief or to losing a beloved parent. It’s more like a travel journal about an excursion that nobody wants to go on but all of us will eventually take.
If you’ve recently lost your mom or dad, I’d encourage you to bookmark this page. Read one or two posts at a time, when you feel up to it. Choose topics that resonate with you in the moment.
I pray these words will comfort your heart, reassure you of God’s presence and work in your life, and give you hope that you will not always feel like you feel today.
If your loss is further in the past, I hope my stories enable you to reflect on your own grief journey, and perhaps even prompt some gratitude about how God brought you through it all.
Preparing for the Inevitable
Finally, if your parents are still alive and well, I have two suggestions. First, you might want to take a peek at the following posts and start familiarizing yourself with the idea that someday, you may be feeling something similar. There’s no time like the present to start preparing, even in some small way, for what may lie ahead.
More importantly, if you have friends or loved ones who have recently lost a parent, please share this page with them. Not because it will fix their grief or answer all their questions, but because it just might help them feel like they are not alone.
Take it from someone who knows: That can make a huge difference to a grieving son or daughter.
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Real Life in Real Time
Some bloggers participate in a community called “Five-Minute Friday,” free writing for five minutes on a single-word prompt. I’ve only done this once: the day my mom died, when the prompt was the word next.
• God’s Timeline Didn’t Match Ours
In the end, my mom was like a runner nobody even knew was in the race—much less a contender—who snuck past all the frontrunners and made it into heaven first.
• The End is Near and My Dad is Ready
I wasn’t prepared for my dad to leave us, but he assured me he was ready to go. I published the saddest blog post I’ve ever written on his 86th birthday, the day before he died.
Milestone Dates and Holidays
• Revisiting the Valley of the Shadow
Feelings aren’t typically dangerous, but they certainly can feel dangerous. As such, we might want to take steps to squash or bury them, but there is a better way to face them.
• When Grief Threatens to Steal Our Easter Joy
It’s OK to mourn, even when it prevents you from getting into the holiday spirit. It’s also OK to feel conflicted, to not know why we feel the way we do, and to wonder what convoluted stew of emotions the coming days or months will bring.
Working through Grief
Life eventually returns to normal, but the new normal is not like the old normal. And maybe that’s not entirely a bad thing.
There’s a starting point to grief, but there may not be an endpoint. It won’t always be as heavy or as sad, but in some ways, the sadness will always be there, especially if we were very close to the person who is no longer here.
• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
In addition to helping us sort through all our tangled thoughts and feelings, a counselor can provide comforting perspectives on what grief entails, what’s normal and what to anticipate in the days ahead.
• How Stirring the Pot Helps Us Grieve Well
This metaphor shows how important it is to speak our grief—to sort through our memories and feelings out loud in the presence of compassionate listeners.
Feeling the Feelings
• When Tears Become an Act of Worship
When I experience deep loss, I tend to process it first by thinking. It’s only later that tears become part of my grief. And often, music is the thing that triggers those tears.
• When Joy and Sadness Share the Same Space
As those who have loved and lost before us can attest, joy and sadness can coexist. Grief won’t break us; as we move through it, it softens.
Asking Why
• When Your Sad Heart Longs to Know Why
In the midst of grief, it’s natural to question why God allowed events to happen the way they did. But if you long for a more productive question than “why,” here is an alternative.
God’s Plans and Sovereignty
• When God Makes Our Paths Straight
God promises to direct our paths. And when His divine map for our loved ones leads us down paths we’d rather not explore, His sovereignty is our anchor.
• When God’s Plan Doesn’t Seem So Wonderful
Helping our children deal with questions that have no answers lays the groundwork for their faith to grow in the future.
• We Plan But God Directs Our Steps
When a task like handling all our parents’ paperwork falls on our shoulders, going through it later can remind us of God’s faithfulness.
Our Help and Comfort
• Staying Close to Our Heavenly Father
God isn’t a substitute or replacement for our human parents, but the older we get, the more we can grow to depend on Him for comfort, wisdom and stability.
• Where Does Our Comfort Come From?
We can’t call God on the phone like we may have called our parents during unsettling times. But we can pray—anytime, anywhere—and know that our heavenly Father hears and understands.
• When Grief Invades the Holidays, the Hope of Heaven Holds Us Fast
As we wait in hope for the second Advent, the throne of heaven is open and its sovereign Occupant ever ready to receive even the smallest of cares that we humbly offer up to Him.
Heaven
• The One Place Where We’ll Truly Belong
Feeling the tension between the now and the not yet, the fact that we are foreigners and exiles in this world, and the reality that—if we are believers—our true citizenship is in heaven.
• Will There Be Tears in Heaven?
In heaven, we will be able to experience healthy emotions intensely and freely, in a way that reflects our creation in God’s image.
Healing and a New Perspective
• Looking for the Light at the End of the Grief Tunnel
Hard-fought wisdom about grief from friends or trusted experts can serve as a lifeline for us as we work our way through our sadness.
• As Grief Softens, This Familiar Truth Brings Greater Comfort
Over time, the truth that our loved ones are with Jesus can sink more deeply into our hearts and bring fresh comfort, even during seasons of greater grief and remembrance.
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I hope you have found comfort here as you worked your way through these posts. Grief is a long journey, so please drop back by for encouragement as often as you need it. If you have questions or thoughts to share, feel free to connect using the contact form here.
♥ Lois