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Lois Flowers

Share Four Somethings: September 2023

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: What the empty nest has been like so far, a friend’s devotional series on Psalm 121, learning to provide my own tech support, and the joy of helping a loved one mark items off her to-do list. ~

Before my daughters left for college, I asked each of them for a list of their favorite meals and desserts.

I knew it would be a while before they’d have home cooking again, so I thought I’d fill them up one last time with butter chicken, cilantro lime rice, flourless chocolate cake and other frequently requested dishes. (Granted, one is far less interested in what she eats than the other, but a semester of cafeteria food might change even her mind about home cooking.)

Lilly’s been in Spain for about a month now, and Molly’s been gone a few weeks longer than that. At first, I kept expecting them to come downstairs around the time they’d normally to go to work. I’d check the clock in the afternoon or evening, wondering if they were on their way home yet.

It was disconcerting, to say the least.

It Might Sound Odd, But …

By now I’m largely used to their absence. While I miss them, it’s been oddly helpful to remember that they’re just away from home, not gone forever.

Maybe I feel this way because I’m missing my parents even more now. I wish I could share with them all that my daughters are seeing, doing and experiencing. But I can’t tell my mom and dad anything—not one single thing.

I can still talk to the girls, however. They’re not here in person, but we’re connected—almost more than before.

Thanks to WhatsApp, FaceTime, iMessages and even Google Docs, we can see each other as we talk, send each other voice and text messages, and edit writing assignments at the same time.

Living Their Best Lives

There may be days when they want to chuck everything and come home. For now, though, they seem to be living their best lives.

They’re making friends. Working through the challenges of flight delays, missing luggage and Covid at college. Stretching and growing academically. Visiting (in Lilly’s case) one amazing architectural wonder after another.

It all makes my mama heart happy, even on the days when I long for an in-person conversation or wish I could envelop them both in a big hug.

We’ll be able to do that before we know it, though, because it’s already the end of September. Which here at the blog means it’s time to link up with Jennifer for another Share Four Somethings. Starting with …

• Something Loved

Randy and I went to North Dakota earlier this month to visit his mom. While we were there, we helped her with some projects that had been on her to-do list for a while.

Randy installed 10 new LED lights in her garage, brightening up the place considerably. I weeded and mulched a couple of flowerbeds that were full of Bermuda grass and other weeds.

I enjoy this kind of work, especially when I know Randy is busy in the nearby garage and I can see my mother-in-law across the yard as she harvests tomatoes and rhubarb.

I wish I had taken before and after pictures, because it was quite a transformation. But even without photos, I love knowing a few gardening projects are done and, hopefully, will remain free of weeds until I can return and touch them up in the spring.

• Something Read

I memorized Psalm 121 as a kid in Sunday school. It’s helped me through some hard times and remains a favorite scripture to this day. So when my good friend Bethany asked if I would contribute a prayer to her 30-day devotional series on this psalm, I said yes immediately.

Bethany introduced the “I’m Tired, Lord” series like this:

Tired minds tend to go in loops. You start with one thought, get lost on the way to the next, and come back to where you started. 

Each day for the next 30 days, I’ll post a series of short devotions that are meant to help your tired thought loop come back again and again to God’s compassionate and consistent care for you.

In Him, you’ll find what you need. Even if you can’t sleep. Even if you really need sleep or just a nice long vacation. Even if you’ve slept, but struggle to get real rest.

The entire series is wonderful, and you can find it here, on Bethany’s blog. My prayer is the post for Day 22.

• Something Learned

When Molly went to college, I lost my primary source of in-person tech support. As a result, when I discovered the contact page here on the blog had disappeared somehow, I didn’t know what to do.

I also was launching my Help for Parent Loss resource page, and I was having trouble making that show up where it was supposed to be.

Fortunately for me,“There’s nothing new under the sun” applies to website issues.

Chances are pretty good that someone out there has had the same problem and has either written a blog post or made a video about it. In fact, I’ve found the best way to get help for this kind of thing is to ask Google, rather than using the “help” feature of whatever program or app I’m using.

By asking a few straightforward questions and following some easy directions, I was able to redo my contact page and launch Help for Parent Loss without losing anything or crashing my website. Turns out, you can teach a middle-aged lady a new trick every now and then.

• Something Ahead

I’m in Wisconsin this week, spending time with my sister and aunt. It’s been a busy month, travel-wise, which doesn’t leave much time for focused writing.

Happily, October’s schedule is wide open. I’m looking forward to writing every day—hopefully completing another batch of half-written blog posts, making one more round of edits on my parent loss book project, and keeping up with curating content for the Remembering Our Parents Instagram community.

Speaking of Remembering Our Parents, if you’ve lost your mom or dad (or both), I’d love for you to check it out here. The reader stories we’ve posted so far have been absolutely wonderful, and we would welcome yours too.

• • •

Now it’s your turn. Has September been as busy for you as it has been for me? What have you been loving, reading or learning this month? Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

Turns out, you can teach a middle-aged lady a new trick every now and then. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with sharefoursomethings, Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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A Hope-filled Message for the Tired, Worn and Overwhelmed

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Are your heart, mind and body worn down from a hard season that seems like it will never end? I’ve been there, and I have some hope-filled words just for you. ~

Hey there, you with the pinched brow and tired eyes.

It’s been a tough season, hasn’t it? I don’t know your specifics, but the effect those circumstances are having on your heart, body and mind? I think I can make some experience-informed guesses about that, and here’s what I want to say about it.

Don’t equate how you feel today with your worth, your usefulness, your attractiveness or your future fruit-bearing potential.

Perception is Not Reality

Contrary to what seems very real right now, you are not your feelings. You are not your season. You are not your trial.

Yes, you might consumed by it, tired of it, confused by it, frustrated with it, overwhelmed by it, possibly even angry at it. That’s the blunt, current truth.

But let me also tell you this. It will not always be the way it is right now.

Changing Perspectives

It may seem to you (and your loved ones) that your hard thing is all you ever talk about—all you ever think about—and maybe you are right. A day will come, though, when that is not the case.

Your circumstances may not change, but your perspective will. Ask anyone who has suffered great loss. The pain, the sadness and the scars may never fade completely, but life does go on.

Other parts start to fill in. The joy comes back, even.

What Happens Next

Then along comes another trial, maybe even harder than the last. The coping muscles that you developed last time will help some, but you will grow more—perhaps in places you didn’t even know strength could exist.

This process—let’s call it the circle of faith—is spelled out in Romans 5:3-4: “Affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope.”

God is still in the business of redemption, my friend, and your life is not exempt from His promises.

♥ Lois

Don’t equate how you feel today with your worth, your usefulness, your attractiveness or your future fruit-bearing potential. Share on X God is still in the business of redemption, my friend, and your life is not exempt from His promises. Share on X

P.S. This post is adapted from a piece originally published in September 2017. I’m linking up this week with One Word 2023, Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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A Comforting Resource for People Who Have Lost Parents

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: The loss of an elderly parent is a profound experience, but it doesn’t get much attention in books or online. Written in the months before and after my parents died, this newly assembled collection of posts offers comfort, hope and encouragement to grieving sons and daughters. ~

Unless we happen to die first, every one of us will lose our parents.

While some experience this at an early age, many of us are middle-aged or older when we say those final good-byes—first to one parent, then the other.

Whether it’s sudden or comes after a long season of heart-breaking decline, the loss of an elderly parent might not be as life-altering as the death of a spouse or child. It certainly doesn’t get as much attention—not in books, not on the Internet and social media, and not even in personal conversations.

But it’s a profound experience, nonetheless.

Common Ground

You may know this already. If so, I understand your sadness, and I’m sorry.

No two losses are the same. The way we process our grief varies greatly, depending on factors such as the kind of relationships we had with our parents and if they shared our faith or not.

And yet, despite these differences, we do have things in common. We have similar experiences, questions and emotions, even many years later.

Writing through It

This is one reason I decided to write through the sad decline and loss of both my parents in the spring of 2019.

Writing about your dying parents is not necessarily a good way to grow your blog. It probably had the reverse effect for me, in fact. But while creating viral content has never been my goal, connecting with and encouraging others who are in a similar place, or have reason to think they will be soon, absolutely is.

Now, for the first time, I’ve gathered these posts together in one place—a new page here on the blog called “Help for Parent Loss.” Some pieces represent real life in real time, while others are more reflective. I’ve grouped them in loose categories and included short summaries so you can see what each one entails.

Notes from a Hard Road

Help for Parent Loss is not a comprehensive guide to grief or to losing a beloved mom or dad. It’s more like a travel journal about an excursion that nobody wants to go on but all of us will eventually take.

If you’ve recently lost your mom or dad, I’d encourage you to bookmark this page. Read one or two posts at a time, when you feel up to it. Choose topics that resonate with you in the moment.

I pray the words you read will comfort your heart, reassure you of God’s presence and work in your life, and give you hope that you will not always feel like you feel today.

If your loss is further in the past, I hope my stories enable you to reflect on your own grief journey, and perhaps even prompt some gratitude about how God brought you through it all.

Preparing for the Inevitable

Finally, if your parents are still alive and well, I have two suggestions. First, you might want to take a peek at the posts on the Help for Parent Loss page and start familiarizing yourself with the idea that someday, you may be feeling something similar. There’s no time like the present to start preparing, even in some small way, for what may lie ahead. (I plan to explore this further in a future post, so stay tuned for that.)

More importantly, if you have friends or loved ones who have recently lost a parent, please share this page with them. Not because it will fix their grief or answer all their questions, but because it just might help them feel like they are not alone.

Take it from someone who knows: That can make a huge difference to a grieving son or daughter.

♥ Lois

The Help for Parent Loss resource page is like a travel journal about an excursion that nobody wants to go on but all of us will eventually take. Share on X The way we process grief from parent loss varies greatly, depending on factors such as the kind of relationships we had with our mom and dad and if they shared our faith or not. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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The One Thing We All Need Right Now

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: There’s only one remedy for the sickness that plagues our world today. And it has nothing to do with political parties and hashtags, soap boxes and sides, movements and slogans. ~

Look around. Watch the news. Scroll through your social media feeds. Listen to people talking in the next booth. I don’t know about you, but it seems obvious to me that we are all in need of some serious saving right now.

Never mind for a minute about platforms and hashtags, soap boxes and sides, movements and slogans. There’s really only one solution, one remedy, one antidote to the sickness that plagues our world today.

The Answer

The answer isn’t found in a relationship, a cause, a survival plan, a medication, a special diet, an exercise regimen, a political party, an elected official, an identity, a book, a podcast, a series of laws or anything else we can come up with that might provide some temporary (or even long-lasting) relief.

No, what we need is a Savior.

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you,” the Apostle James tells us. “Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts, double-minded people!” (James 4:8)

Timely Message

Sounds like a message for us today, doesn’t it? All of us, I’d venture to add, no matter how long we’ve been wearing (or wielding, as the case may be) the name of Christ.

We need a Savior and—thanks to what Jesus did on the cross 2,000 years ago—we have One. The “great and awe-inspiring God who keeps His gracious covenant with those who love Him and keep His commands”—He is it.

The Most High—the very “One who steadies the pillars of the earth”—is the Rock of our salvation, our refuge in every generation, a “helper who is always found in times of trouble.”

He is our Savior.

He is THE Savior.

It’s Not Our Job

We can (and should) aim to make a difference in our own circles of influence, large or small. But God doesn’t ask any of us to be anyone else’s savior.

This hits a bit close to home for people who tend to be fixers, people with loved ones who are struggling in one way or another, people who sometimes think the Holy Spirit could use a little help with His convicting or counseling efforts.

People like me, that is, and maybe like you too.

Leave the Fixing to God

At this point in my life, God has given me some specific roles to fill. As wife, mother, sister, friend and neighbor, I’m called to encourage, help, listen, comfort and (always) pray.

I am not called to fix, control or save. And neither are you.

We must leave that work to God.

He took care of it—all of it—on the cross. What Jesus did there has no exclusions, no exceptions and certainly no expiration date.

He saved us then. He saves us now. He will save us throughout eternity.

And best of all? He offers this salvation to us as a gift of grace, free for the accepting.

♥ Lois

We can aim to make a difference in our own circles of influence, large or small. But God doesn’t ask any of us to be anyone else’s savior. Share on X I am not called to fix, control or save. And neither are you. We must leave that work to God. Share on X

Notes: The names and descriptions of God included above can be found in Nehemiah 1:5, as well as Psalms 47:2, 75:3, 95:1, 90:1, 46:1 and 42:5. This post was adapted from a piece that first appeared here in March 2018.

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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A Sudden Shift for Me and Some Random Questions for You

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: What happens when plans change unexpectedly, and questions about everything from boots and bird-watching to cooking for two and switching airports in NYC. ~

“Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.”

I’m pretty sure this is not the first time I’ve quoted these lyrics by John Lennon in this space. Chances are, it won’t be the last.

This statement basically sums up my current state of affairs. I was moving in one direction, but circumstances dictated a sudden shift. I’ll spare you the details for now; it’s a temporary situation and everything will be OK eventually.

Ripple Effect

That said, it’s got me thinking about what happens when our plans change. Oftentimes, it’s simply inconvenient. But it can also be disappointing. Sad. Uncertain. Expensive, even.

I’ve felt all that in recent days; perhaps you have too.

We could expend considerable mental energy questioning why our plans had to change. But a more helpful alternative is to focus on what we need to do now and trust that God will take care of the rest.

He always does, though His idea of working things out doesn’t always match up with ours (seems like I’ve said that here before too).

All Kinds of Questions

Speaking of questions, my friend Linda asked some wonderful ones in a recent blog post, which prompted me to pose some of my own this week. Hers were thoughtful and thought-provoking, while mine are random and partly related to pictures I’ve taken lately. I’ll be looking forward to reading your answers in the comment section.

• • •

I saw these boots at a boutique the other day. Round the toe a bit more and lower the heel, and I’d totally wear them. How about you?This little flower brings me joy every time I run past it on the sidewalk near my house. It probably takes a little extra effort to mow around it, but I’m glad the homeowner lets it be. Would you let a volunteer bloom in your yard, or would that drive you crazy?

Backyard Birding

One Sunday morning we looked out the window and saw two huge birds right by our pool. We wondered if they might be eagles, but it turns out, they were hawks.

Over the next few days, one or both of these birds came back a few more times. With their huge wing span and fierce-looking talons, they even grabbed the attention of our daughter who thinks we’re old because we like birds. Are you a bird person too, or do you think backyard bird-watching is a sign of old age?

Friendly Strangers

I’ve been working on this post in the lobby of a hotel in Northwest Arkansas. My AirPods are in my ears, and my iPad, phone and water bottle are spread out in front of me. Yet nearly every person who walks past me still makes eye contact and smiles.

I don’t know where these people are from, but it warms my heart to think that humans are still friendly, at least in this particular city in the mid-South. I don’t want to get too personal with a question about whether you like to smile at strangers, so I’ll ask this: Do you work in hotel lobbies or would you be more productive in your room?

Practical Help

From a practical standpoint, the aspect of empty nesting that currently holds the most questions for me is cooking for two. I’m pretty sure Joanna Gaines’ isn’t going to release a cookbook on the subject any time soon, so maybe you can help me. If you’re an empty nester who loves to cook, how did you make the switch from feeding your whole family to feeding two most nights?

Finally, one thing that has made sending Lilly off to Spain a little easier is knowing that we will be going to see her in a few months. Our travel itinerary on the way there includes switching airports in New York City, from LaGuardia to JFK International. Which leads me to my last question: If you’ve ever done this, do you have any advice for us about the best way to accomplish it?

That’s enough questions for now. Please answer as you see fit in the comments—and feel free to add a question or two of your own.

♥ Lois

When our plans change unexpectedly, it's often inconvenient. But it can also be disappointing, sad, uncertain and even expensive. Share on X When our plans change suddenly, we do what we have to do and trust that God will take care of the rest. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Inspire Me Monday, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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Share Four Somethings: August 2023

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Emptying nest prompts thankful reflection, thoughts of home and curiosity about what’s next. ~

Our neighbors got their driveway replaced right before Molly left for college. Such an event might not prompt a trip down memory lane for most people, but it did for me.

Years ago, our neighbor on the other side got a new driveway. Molly was home sick that day, but she felt well enough to sit in a little chair in our driveway and watch the whole project.

With her sweet purple glasses and tiny frame, she probably didn’t look like she’d be fascinated by heavy machinery and construction sites. But she was. Still is, in fact.

More Memories

We got the windshield replaced on our minivan another day she was home sick. That time, she sat in the garage, a safe distance away from the work zone. Thankfully, the good-natured technician didn’t mind working with an audience.

These scenes came to mind as I listened to the construction workers jackhammering next door last week.

Molly has a mechanically oriented mind, along with her own set of hand tools with flowered handles. She’s always enjoyed fixing things and solving problems. She’s creative and unafraid to try things that might make other people anxious.

For example, she’s been backing into parking spaces, without any help from side or rear cameras, since she started to drive on her own a few years ago. That one detail alone says a great deal about her, in my humble opinion as her completely biased mother.

That’s My Girl

I love all this about her, and so much more. Partly because her strengths are different from mine. And also because it’s been so fun to watch her grow from that little girl on the driveway into a confident young lady who is now a college freshman majoring in computer science.

I’m still processing all the feels that come with sending one’s youngest off to school. As I told a friend, my mind’s been like that little circle that goes around and around on your screen when Instagram isn’t working. Lots and lots of processing, and not a whole lot of words to describe it all.

But I’m OK with That

I know God will go before Molly in this stage of her life—and before older daughter Lilly, who leaves for a semester in Europe next week—just as He goes before me and you in our current seasons. I also take comfort in knowing millions of moms have trekked down this road before me, and others are currently on the same path right now.

With all this going on, I haven’t had many opportunities for focused writing. Fortunately, I can bring you up to date through this month’s Share Four Somethings and still have time to go swimming and shopping with Lilly before she boards a plane for her next big adventure.

Starting with …

Something Loved

The girls both had summer jobs that allowed them to be home for supper most weeknights. I love to cook for my family, to enjoy meals together, to linger after the last morsels of flourless chocolate cake are gone—talking and laughing about what happened that day and what’s coming tomorrow.

I’m gonna miss this, just like the country song says I will. But I will also cherish the memories.

Something Read

My mind is a bit scattered to be thinking deep thoughts about books right now. However, I did write down one quote from a novel that spoke to me this past month. It’s from Homecoming, a lengthy time-slip story by Kate Morton that crosses continents and weaves the details of several families into one tragic-yet-redemptive tale.

I recommend it if you like that sort of book. If not, you’ll probably still understand why the following words—spoken about the main character—tugged at my heart.

“She herself had been thinking about ‘home’ a lot,” Morton writes. “Home, she’d realized, wasn’t a place or a time or a person, though it could be any and all of those things: home was a feeling, a sense of being complete. The opposite of ‘home’ wasn’t ‘away,’ it was ‘lonely.’ When someone said, ‘I want to go home,’ what they really meant was that they didn’t want to feel lonely anymore.”

Something Learned

It’s going to take me a while to think through all the lessons from this nest-emptying season of my life. For now, the one that comes to mind is that intentionally approaching a big change like this with curiosity instead of anxiety makes all the difference in the world.

Instead of worrying about how I’m going to feel or being anxious about all the details or fretting about what’s next, I’ve been reminding myself take one task at a time. To feel each feeling as it comes and then move on to the next one. To trust, as I said before, that God is going before each one of us, wherever we are.

But mostly, to take to heart—over and over again—the command in Matthew 6:34: “Don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Something Ahead

After Lilly leaves, I need to sit down and make a list. It will include projects in process as well as those that have been on the back burner for far too long. I’ll add every person I want to call for coffee. Every email requesting help or advice that I’ve been meaning to write. Every looming task around the house that doesn’t fall under the heading of routine housework.

I suppose this could be overwhelming, but it’s not. Once the list is written, I’ll know what to do next. It’s not set in stone, but it will provide an anchor in the midst of transition. I need that, but you can also be sure I’ll be holding it loosely.

• • •

Now it’s your turn. What are you loving, learning and reading these days? What does the fall hold for you? Do you find to-do lists helpful? Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

My mind’s been like that little circle that goes around and around on your screen when Instagram isn’t working. Lots and lots of processing, and not a whole lot of words to describe it all. Share on X Once my to-do list is written, I’ll know what to do next. It's not set in stone, but it will provide an anchor in the midst of transition. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with sharefoursomethings, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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